Thursday, May 21, 2009

Monday, May 11, 2009

Shhhhhh

so... i quit modeling because i feel ugly and fat and shit.

and NOW you want to have this conversation??? really???

good call...

this is pretty much the last thing i want to talk about at the moment...

will you please just stop?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Whisper On The Wind- by AnnaInez (with Deanna)

.L.O.V.E.

Why does night seem so much darker when you're away from the one you love? Why is the wind colder? Why are the hours longer and the days grayer? Every minute feels like an age without him now. And every goodbye feels like the last, ripping out your heart and filling your eyes with tears that burn and sting... Why do stars hide from view without his arms around you? Why does your body ache without his touch?

Love isn't like bleeding or drowning or any of the things I usually write about. And it's not the fairytale some make it out to be. The French and the ancient Celts had it right from the start- love is a torture that is worth every second, a trial that is, in essence, the reason to breathe. It hurts sometimes. It doesn't always work out the way you want. But is there a nobler goal than to love, wholly and completely, without any reservations? Is there a greater cause? Mankind can never fully comprehend the all-consuming, all-enrapturing soul of these words; a woman in love is rarely comprehensible. But most can relate to some degree.

When you see them, your heart skips, your breath catches, and your mind begins to move much quicker than your tongue. When they touch you, a sort of electricity surges through your veins, pulses with your heart, and shimmers in your eyes... These are the basics- Attraction. Chemistry.

But love... To love someone is to know, understand, and accept that person for who and what they are. You must have their best interests at your very core, maing them a vital part of every decision you make. You must want to help them better themselves- support them as they fly, not tether them down. You must be willing to compromise with them, and sometimes make sacrifices for them. Let it never be said that I encourage losing yourself completely for a lover. But truly, if you could take a bullet for them, would you?

Love is not honeymoons and butterflies all the time. Love is making a cup of tea at 3 a.m. when he's sick, and maybe skipping your football game one Sunday to spend the day with her. Love is not forgetting yourself; it's just putting the other first from time to time.

i wonder...

if i just stopped existing... would anyone notice?

i'm honestly starting to doubt it.

Friday, May 8, 2009

R E A S S E M B L E D

these puzzle pieces never fit
the way i want them to
never seem to make the picture whole
a face left
cracked
incomplete
a story left
untold
and i can't seem to make it right
not tonight
no, not tonight
chip the paint away
from her pretty face
and see her-
weak
and crying
and completely
exposed
see her
ugly
sad
and unable to stay silent
see the writing on the wall
on her skin
poems in scarlet letters
secrets only whispered
and screams you ignored
the pieces fit now
in some shattered form
no box can contain her
not anymore
her eyes
a brighter blue
a deeper green
and a red you can't erase
see scarred arms
and tear-stains
and try to pretend
that the girl
reassembled
is not you

remind me...

...why do i do this, again?

Alice- by Swae

S O M E T I M E S

sometimes i stop existing.

sometimes i am nothing but a number in your phone-book and a face that seems vaguely familiar.

sometimes i am nothing at all.

sometimes i am forgotten.

sometimes i forget myself.

sometimes i wonder if i was ever here at all.

sometimes i ache from the inside out.

sometimes i don't care.

sometimes i am so numb i'm not sure if i hurt or not.

sometimes i can sing so loud and so deep it makes it all okay.

sometimes i can't make a sound at all.

sometimes i am no one.

sometimes i like it better that way.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I FUCKING QUIT

for the time being, i don't even want to see another damn camera...

i'm tired of feeling ugly.
i'm tired of feeling like i'm not going anywhere.
i'm tired of worrying how i look.
i'm tired of people who only want to work with me because they know i have no boundaries.
i'm tired of wishing i were prettier and skinnier.
i'm tired of being hungry.
i'm tired of doing the same damn thing over and over and over.
i'm tired of counting calories and obsessing over how much i can exercise.
i'm tired of shooting other peoples' ideas and never doing any of my own.
i'm tired of hating myself.

i've had enough.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I Can't Pretend- by Jose G

this isn't going to go well...

... is it?

something is changing in my world. i don't know what it is or why, but i know it hurts.
it's a constant ache lately, something that never goes away, but sometimes escalates to a stab, a burn, a blinding sting.
sometimes i can put it out of my mind, ignore it, forget.
but i suppose that's what got me into this mess in the first place, isn't it?
the need to forget, the desire to be someone else...
sometimes it seems like i did this to myself.
and sometimes it's like a cruel joke of nature.
today... it's a little of both.
today, i can't ignore it, can't forget it, can't pretend i'm okay.
today i want to sleep until it's over.
turn it off, please?