Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Strippers And Red Wine

...dear god, i love my life.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Rum Words

speak in slow-motion
i will read your lips
with mine
try to get inside your mind
dig deeper
push
for the secrets you scream
i want to trust you
but darling
you make it so hard
to give you my heart
without getting my blood on your hands

Well-Behaved Women



They say I'm bad at being well-behaved.

I prefer to think I'm really, really good at being bad.



(webcam self-portrait)

Smut And Success (Happy Birthday To Me)

whiskey rebellion
insight my riot
call me kitten
and pet me heavy
i'll wear lace for you
if the price is right
fed-ex'd romance
to make me
beautiful, dirty, and rich

i drink, but don't drive
too blind
alcohol insides
21 and over
and i'm just getting started
happy birthdays
just don't happen
not where i'm from
not in this life

bad news on yule-eves
make me wonder
maybe this could be my life
after all
or maybe i'm just tipsy

wine eyes
and bloody mary ballads
3 days of secrets sleeping
while i wait up
for phones ringing
but best friends never call
when you need them

this get-rich-quick scheme
to replace normalcy
with filth
replace 'perfectly respectable'
with eye candy and lust
i'm taking my life back
one porno at a time
yes, i'm taking my life back
with nicotine and red wine
i hope you understand

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Less Is More




Today I posted in a suicide prevention chat-room.
I didn't say much, I guess- not what I wanted to say anyway.
Just "thank you" to the person who began it.



Maybe that said it all.

Springtime In Hell

you whispered shadow
your tongue spilled all the things i couldn't say
i am not who i always dreamed of being
but i'm not what they see in me
reflect me
fragmented
the blackest pieces
you spoke my ache
in images
too warped for words
mysticism in kisses
and morbid adoration
i believed
between the two of us
we could make one complete human
and one complete ghost
romanticized self-loathing
and the loss that only comes
when some vital part of you
dies
i thought i knew you
but i only saw
what you offered me
i only saw
myself in you
blush blue
sick and shameful
buried in the beautiful mask
you created
for such an occasion
in tender whispers
you always told me
that wasn't the real you
but i've accepted
'you' isn't real
cling to familiar faces
the same old sweep-you-off-your-feet
but every time
i feel a little
less
than the time before
recalled whispers
before the world ends
you will love me
and i will forget you
chrysanthemums will fall
in your wake
and i will always remember you
in springtime.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Soap-Box Preacher Girl

i can taste the words
on my tongue

i swallow

nothing to see here, folks
keep moving
the show is over

i choke down the poetry
the diatribe

no one was listening in the first place

i could tell you
all about
the ache of living

but you wouldn't be interested

i could recite verses
on love

but it wouldn't make a difference

i could scream
how sick i am
of living someone else's life

but it wouldn't change anything

i'll just step off the soap-box
wander into the crowd
become anonymous
and silent

Monday, December 14, 2009

VERTIGO

Deep Inner-Ear Infections-

quite possibly one of the worst things to happen to a girl on the go.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE SICK ANYMORE!!!

you have already destroyed my 3-day weekend, i've lost 6 pounds in 3 days, i can't hear shit, i'm loaded up on more sudafed than you wanna think about, i'm fairly certain my head is imploding, AND I HAVE TO WORK IN THE MORNING!

not to mention laundry, dishes, christmas shopping, and photo-shoots.

fuck. fuckfuckfuck.

damn you, immune system- you were supposed to take care of this.

GRRRRR

Monday, December 7, 2009

Don't Bother, You're Way Too Late

A year and a half of promises that meant nothing
3 months of kisses and touches that meant even less
and the final realization that you just don't matter...

And I'm just left wondering why I cared in the first place.

Disillusioned

Disgusted

&

Over you at last

Please shut the door on your way out.
It won't be open when you come back.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Keep Up, Kid- You Don't Wanna Miss This



jet-set sex-kitten
dressed for success
and ready to run
can you keep up?

i didn't think so

maybe i'll move to india
and be a princess
i'll be the only blond
in mumbai
who wears black-patent boots
with 8-inch heels
to bed
on a monday afternoon

i thought you might like that :-)

maybe i'll rocket off
to times square
and dance in the lights
in nothing but sequins
and let the new york rain
wash the glitter from my face
i'll let new york see me
unpainted

or maybe not

maybe i'll fill a french villa
with white grand pianos
and ivory roses
and stomp around the
fragile fragments
of a life
in war-boots
and a wedding gown
just because i can

i wish you could be there to see it

jet-set drama-queen
dressed to kill
with damn good aim
can you keep up?

i didn't think so



(webcam self-portrait)

Bad News


.baby i thought you knew... i'm up to no good.



(webcam self-portrait)

Falling Out Farther Than I Fell In

every time they say your name
it hurts just a little
less
i guess i'm finally coming down
from the high
i called fairy-child
your blue eyes
and your white light
seem a little dimmer
with each passing night
and i guess i finally see
i won't die
without you

i'm tired of wishing
on invisible stars
and oxidized pennies
for a girl with your smile
and i guess i'm tired
of praying so hard
but being too scared
to say your name out loud
i told a priest
i think about you every day
and i said-
father, i'm scared i always will
but five hail mary's later
i guess i feel a little better
maybe tomorrow will pass
without your shadow

you are not who i remember
i guess she died across state lines
you are not who i remember
i guess she's really gone
you are not who i remember
cuz she would never lie
you are not who i remember
i just wish she'd said goodbye

every time they say your name
i forget you a little bit
more
i guess the rehab
may have been worth
the pain
and as you left my veins, dear
i clung on to the ache
but i guess i finally see
i'm better off
without you

i'm tired of fighting
to keep your memory
alive
and the songs we used to play
have all gone silent
and i begged the goddess of the night
to take you from my dreams
and darling, i guessed it worked-
i haven't seen your face in weeks

you are not who i remember
i guess she died across state lines
you are not who i remember
i guess she's really gone
you are not who i remember
cuz she would never lie
you are not who i remember
i just wish she'd said goodbye

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Sunday, November 22, 2009

.BLOND.

"I don't think a woman is really a woman
unless she's a blond, y'know?"
-Gia Carangi



maybe i'll dye my hair
let the bleach soak into my brain
inhale the chemical
like you snorted yours
and maybe i'll get extensions
woven in
fake hair to suit my fake self
let the curls fall
around my
breasts
those are real
but only because i don't have the money
maybe i'll be
the prettiest girl
in the world
someday
made entirely of
synthetics
and
paint
i could be perfect too, babe
and maybe then
i could finally say
FUCK YOU

Thursday, November 19, 2009

R E I N V E N T

hold on tight, kids
looks like it's about that time
time to
reinvent
change
begin again
be someone new

i suppose the question is-
where do i begin?
who do i want to be today?
who will i be happy as tomorrow?

i need a
new name
new face
new body
new life

now how do i become HER?

Hours To Wait, No Time To Lose

i think i'll lose my mind tonight
walk on the water
and wait for the sunrise
i'll shut out the cold
with sad songs
and sadder voices
i'll fall into a sweet sea
and float away
on your sound-waves
you won't miss me
till the morning
when no one
hits the snooze button
for you
and i hope that ringing
in your ears
never dies
i think i'll lose my mind tonight
run to the horizon
and fly

Scarlet Inscription

spell it out
scarlet letters tell the story
say it again
make me understand
why your desires
mean so much more than mine

release it
all that's left of pride
it's in my blood
and i will carve it out
inscribe your name
a reminder
of who i belong to

Monday, November 9, 2009

Bottom Of The Barrel

i will swallow your poison
numb the ache
scratch the itch

it burns on the way down
like a cigarette
but stronger

i've been waiting for a long time
count the days
count the hours

forget the soundless screams
roaring hurt
lifeless lies

just forget it ever happened
as i reach the bottom
of the barrel

SnakeBite

skinny girls
writhing with nightmares
chained in
drawn out
devil girls
shrieking their curses
legs bare
sprinting through corn-fields
tip-toe
past the curtains
cross the wood floors
cracked and caving
trapped inside the old house
with the sting
of her sin



(randomly inspired by Black Snake Moan)

Wine Lust

i wrote words
and kept hoping you'd read
the secrets at my fingertips
the silence i spilled
i created a new world
of letters and love-songs
i'd waltz with you
if you'd only call
wine-induced reveries
in 35 millimeter
black and white
you were my poems
and now you're nothing
but forever's dream
and tomorrow's regret

R H Y T H M

rockstars make love
in the middle of the day
taste sweet sweat
feel muscle pulse
take it in
take it all
and give nothing back
arch into his rhythm
and implode

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Miss Popular

i collect names and numbers
like stamps
in a little book
leather bound
spine still stiff

i only open it
to tell myself
i'm popular

yeah, i've got friends all over the world
beautiful people
with beautiful bodies
and beautiful minds

they don't call me by my real name

yeah, i've got friends all over the world
but they're not the kind of friends you call
when you're crying...

Bare Bones Romance

weighing the options
on a sliding scale
in the room we shared
littered with glossy vogue'ing beauties
in child sized jeans
and too much eyeliner
lions' manes frame skeleton face
it's not a stairway to heaven
it's a ladder
tell me i'm pretty
but i won't believe it
alien angels were always more your style
enjoy your skeletons on the wall
i'll just keep wishing i were taller

Spaghetti Poems

night doesn't fall here like it did back home
slow and glowing
vivid tangerine rose
here, it comes crashing
heavy
unforgiving
from gray days to black
don't blink
god, i miss the sunset

Thursday, November 5, 2009

2010 Travel Plans

PLACES I WANT TO GO

New York City/Brooklyn/Long Island
Chicago
Nashville
LA
Portland
Toronto
Montreal
Milwaukee
Virginia (especially Alexandria, Springfield, and Woodbridge)
DC
Hollywood
Las Vegas
Houston
Florida (especially Naples, Tampa, St Pete's, and Clearwater Beach)
Boston
Philadelphia
Dallas



anyone who wants to help with travel expenses,
offer a couch to crash on,
or talk about shooting,
please don't hesitate to contact me!

xoxox

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

G R O U P I E


i don't want to be the girl
who got backstage
i want to be the one
with the microphone



(a webcam self-portrait)

C R Y P T I C

the secret lives
of beautiful girls
deviant minds
&
scarred souls
chronicled
for all time
in riddles
that even you
with all the kings horses
and all the kings men
could never put back together
yes, i'm writing about you
but even if you knew
where to find the words
you will never
find the story
in these scars

Victory Is Feeling Empty

cold
somewhere deeper
in the pit of my stomach
in that place you never reached
hollow
in the core of me
you consumed my insides
i guess i did something right

Ohio Is For Lost Boys

self-medicate
with drug-words
poems carved into skin
burns that leave you blackened
on the inside
i may not recall your name
but i will never forget your face
every time i drink
it gets more vivid
technicolor memory
rapid cut
change the angle
see the shadows beneath your eyes
see the lies
you whispered the dialogue perfectly
my marilyn
my james dean
hollywood never looked so good
as it does through your rose-colored lens
wish you were here
in ohio
i wish you were here
to feel the cold
i wish you were here
to watch the sun set
i wish you were here

Rabbit Food

i'm sick of carrots
of living on rabbit food
nicotine
and green tea
in the hopes it'll make me
something i never was-
pretty.
another glass of water
and that's where i draw the line
another cigarette
and i'll be fine
spent hours
wasted in a mirror
wasted away
living reflections
that no one else can see
and echoes of mother dear-
'maybe you shouldn't eat that'
there's a boy that loves me
and tells me i'm sexy
but his blue eyes don't see what i see
maybe you need better glasses, darling
maybe then you'll understand
i'm sick of obsessing
over pictures
of skeleton dances
and runway revivals
staring for hours
at the hip-bone hills
and jacob's ladders
and piano-key ribs
that i could only dream of
5-foot 8-inches
pipe dreams left to smolder
in the ashtray
with my last meal

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Butterfly Kisses

i bit my lip
till red wine poured out
a bitter shimmer
and i painted my kisses ruby
with the taste
you never even looked up
from your diary
from your fan-mail
telecommunicate
or just email
3 hours isn't that long, love
100 miles isn't that far
i'll never be
Miss Worth Your Time
and maybe i never wanted to
a hairspray high
isn't enough
to kill this craving
that's killing me
the phone never rang
not once
and i guess i'm not shocked
like i should be
that's the trouble with butterflies-
watching them fly away
after they land
on your finger

Your Love Lacked Substance

status quo silence
guess it shouldn't surprise me
i bought sunglasses today
cuz they reminded me of you
rhinestone reality
cheap shine, no substance
i guess that was you
all along

promises like lightning
they die on your lips
and kisses like snowflakes
that don't ever stick
spun-sugar lovers
you left my skin sticky
but i guess that was all there was
to you

E M A C I A T E- by Visions Of Excess


stretched
spread thin
over an ivory frame
your bones
stab through
just to remind you
they're there
pale
and
skinny
aren't you
pretty?
as you
waste away...




Boyd, we are SOOOO glad you're back!
We did some amazing work this weekend-
let's make more ART!
xoxox

Liquor Life

the words we can't take back
burn
more than the whiskey
that made us say it
from the start

if you want to love somebody
baby, who am i to stop you?
i'll just need another drink
to wash it down with

fuck me harder
love me deeper
even if it's just for now
i won't remember it in the morning
anyhow
touch me softer
kiss me slower
even if it's just for tonight
for a minute, let me believe
it'll be alright
cuz baby, it'll be alright

and the thoughts that blur and buzz
won't matter when tomorrow comes
and the wine is sweeter now
than it was before

now i lay me down to sleep
this liquor life is killing me
but i'll forget what i said
and the words won't matter anymore

fuck me harder
love me deeper
even if it's just for now
i won't remember it in the morning
anyhow
touch me softer
kiss me slower
even if it's just for tonight
for a minute, let me believe
it'll be alright
cuz baby, it'll be alright

Monday, November 2, 2009

Like The First Time- by SPRINGHEEL


it was just like the first time
a hand on my shoulder
a shadow kiss
and then nothing
but the shards of beauty
and a memory of the things we can't do over





Clint, darlin', you always make me look so perfect!
Thank you for dancing with me.
<3

Sunday, November 1, 2009

RockStar- by Jose G


This shot makes me look like something out of Rolling Stone, and I love it!
Thank you, Jose! xox

Trust Is Overrated.

it makes me really sad when you give someone a second chance (or a third... or a seventh...) and they still fall through... maybe i trust people too easily, or maybe i'm just trusting the wrong people entirely, but either way- i guess i shouldn't have.

people say they want to repair friendships between us, people say they promise, people say they care... they don't. people say they want to be a part of my life... they don't. people say i mean so much to them... i don't; at least not enough for them to keep a simple promise or show an ounce of respect.

fuck it. maybe i'll just be a hermit.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Miss Muse & Valentine - by Little Ghost



Radio Romance

A song came on the radio
And you just had to call
Just to let me know it reminded you of me
A song came on the radio
The voice was rough and low
Singing 'bout a girl he used to know, just like me

I'm watching the football team
From a tiny apartment across the street
So I'll light another cigarette
And think of you
I'm watching the crowd roar
But I'm thinking 'bout your guitar
So I'll light another cigarette
And wish for you

A song came on the radio
And it always brings you to mind
The tail-lights speed by, but I don't notice anymore
A song came on the radio
Brought up the thoughts of the rest of my life
The pub pays just fine, but I'm always gonna want more

I'm watching the football team
From a tiny apartment across the street
So I'll light another cigarette
And think of you
I'm watching the crowd roar
But I'm thinking 'bout your guitar
So I'll light another cigarette
And wish for you

Do you think of me when you smell Marlboros?
Do you think of me when you drink Jack?
Do you think of me when our song plays?
Do you wish that I'd come back?

A song came on the radio
As I walked home alone
And I wish I could tell you I still know all your favorite songs
A song came on the radio
The voice was rough and low
Singing about a green-eyed girl who's long gone

I'm watching the football team
From a tiny apartment across the street
So I'll light another cigarette
And think of you
I'm watching the crowd roar
But I'm thinking 'bout your guitar
So I'll light another cigarette
And wish for you

Do you think of me when you smell Marlboros?
Do you think of me when you drink Jack?
Do you think of me when our song plays?
Do you wish that I'd come back?

Our song came on the radio...

Monday, October 26, 2009

Candy Queen

promises like strawberries
kisses like chocolate drizzle
you are my candy-cocaine
and i'm your sugar-baby

D O T H A I N

Dothain. Ta mna orm.
Ma ceanuil me a leitheid de ualach ar tu, lanstad.
Stad bruscar bhur trath ar mise.
Feasta nach pog mise, feasta nach creid mise, agus go cinnte feasta nach gneas mise...
Bheith i ngra le mise no feasta nach, ach feasta nach leid mise ar aon tuilleadh.
Tu stanaigh nach bi araon mo leannan agus mo comradai seomra.
Tu stanaigh nach bheith ag suil le mise go dti adhair sibh, mill sibh, mair aonair do sibh, ma tu diultaigh go dti caith le mise mar rud ar bith breis na coir bhur striapach agus bean ti.
Iad seo doru sna na gaineamh.
Mise murach bi ag urnai i gcomhair bhur scothuil.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

FAMOUS INFAMOUS


if i can't be adored
i'll settle for envy
infamy suits me
and you're gonna love me
someday
i can taste it
bitter sick green kisses
as you stare at my picture
say something cute
and hope i'll remember
but darling
you're still a million miles away.

if i can't be loved
i'll settle for hated
at least you'll know i exist
so i'm gonna take it
someday
i can taste it
bright red letters
spell out the memories
say something cruel
and hope that it gets to me
but darling
you're gonna remember my name.



(webcam self-portrait)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

.PLASTIC.DOLL.

i am a
plastic doll
with a smile
molded
irrevocable
glassy eyes
with long lashes
that open and shut
leaving butterfly-kisses
on my perfectly blushing cheeks
my lips are
permanently puckered
ready for a kiss
strawberry pout
waiting for your touch
i am a
plastic doll
with no heart
no soul
no dreams
no warmth
and no choice
trapped inside a
plastic head
with curls that fall
around my
flawless
plastic body
2-inch waist
and legs for days
i am a
plastic doll
made just for you
to suit your every wish
i am just
a plastic doll

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

.nicotine.


be my
nicotine
and i'll be your
cocaine
sooth my senses
and i'll
electrify you
ease my mind
and i'll send yours
racing
from new york to l.a.
and back again
just be my nicotine



(webcam self-portrait)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Just Like You

she could've been you
in another life
glitter gone wild
and completely irresistible
faerie wings
and a surfer smile
she's a blond too
just like you were
she caught me off guard
falling familiar
into something i know
will probably sting
she asked to kiss me
and i said
'i wouldn't stop you'
but my mind screams-
'will it hurt?'
as my heart remembers
your tongue-in-cheek whispers
and your heroin kiss
i don't want to fall again
not for a girl
just
like
you

Sunday, October 11, 2009

A Book About You

i think i'll collect
everything i ever wrote about you
and put it in a book
i'll fill it with photographs
and bright colors
and then i'll sell it
and i'll be rich
because everyone
who ever loved you
will want a copy.

GIRL ON THE HORIZON

the horizon is waiting
for a pretty girl like her
i will watch until she crosses
with her wings spread

these words dangle from my lips
like a cigarette
left unattended

'i inhaled a girl
like smoke
but she left my lungs
just as easy'

i wonder if she can hear me whisper
in whatever bed she's sharing now
cuz she will never see
the way my eyes glass over
when someone says her name out loud

these lips still taste like hers
though 300 days have passed
without a kiss
my memory won't release her
long after my arms did

Girls That Glitter Love The Dark

"Girls that glitter love the dark
We lace it through our bitter, black little hearts
And then we feign surprise when we see
that those we've loved to love have seeped
into our poisoned blood

Girls that glitter deceive death
We thread ourselves through innocent flesh
And then we feign surprise when we see
that those we've loved to waste they seem to be erased

Knit it through, thread it, sew it to unsuspecting flesh
They won't regret it, or so they say
And those you have loved have snagged on your thorny veins
But they don't regret it, or so you say

Girls that glitter desecrate a kiss
We break the code of happiness
And then we feign surprise when we see
that those we've loved have loved to leave

Girls that glitter defile hope
We think that love is just tightening that sad little rope
And then we open our eyes and we see through the gash
of a fluttering eyelash

We see love trying desperately to flee
But you don't ever have to fear
Just break its wings and it will never disappear
You don't ever have to fear
Just break its wings and it will never disappear

Knit it through, capture it and stitch it to your brittle little heart
At least that way love can't tear it apart
Knit it through, sew it to unsuspecting flesh
They won't regret you
And if they do?

But the thing that girls know best
is that glitter covers all the ugliness
And they know one thing above all the rest:
Sparkle covers evilness
Shimmer covers all the mess
Glitter covers darkness
And then came the moment when the swarm of bees drowned."



-Hannah Fury 'Girls That Glitter Love The Dark'

S M O K E


i inhaled a girl
like smoke
but she left my lungs
just as easy


(webcam self-portrait)

A Girl Called Love

everyone stares
when you
waltz
into a room.
i guess you can't help it;
i guess you can't stop being beautiful.
but i don't mind-
it doesn't hurt me.

that's a lie.

it cuts my eyes
to know i can't look at you.
cuts my tongue
to know i can't speak to you.
cuts my skin
to know i can't touch you.
and it cuts my already scarred heart
to know i can never have you again.

you are the whole world's baby blue eyes
you are their sweetest dreams
and their darkest desires
you are the world's venus
with no mouth to object
no hands to push back
you are the perfect lover, love.

personify my wishes
buried in shame
cloaked by time.

it's a pipe-dream
thinking of waking up beside you
stroking your soul
the way you touched mine.
i want to see your diamond-encrusted lashes
peeling off
leaving your skin sticky.
i want to see your lips
parted with sleeping breaths
as you curl
into the warm-spot
on the bed.

everyone i know
is in love with you.
why am i the only one
who doesn't have the guts
to say it?

Lovers Laughter & Lace - photo by Freckles


i wonder if she ever
glanced
in my direction
i take off the layers
of rose petals
strip bare
to satin
and smile
i know she did
well,
at least i hope so

Saturday, October 10, 2009

R E C O G N I Z E


i wonder
would you
recognize me
if you
saw me
today?



(webcam self-portrait)

Glass-Eyed Glory

through the shine of rose-colored glasses
your skin was spun-sugar pale diamond-encrusted
and i wanted to touch it
lips like strawberry jam
and a poison kiss
you intoxicate me
still
whenever your drug crosses my mind
scars smoothed by sweet-treat honey mercy
and tears dried with wine
baby, through glass-eyes
you were supernova
and we were gorgeous
lover, through glass-eyes
nothing mattered
but your
shine

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

A Dear John Letter

you make my skin crawl
every time your soul reaches out
to touch my skin
i feel you
taste your breath
smell your leather
and it makes me sick
like too many irish car-bombs
you are the sour milk
i guess i'm the burn of whiskey
i hope you choke on it
every time you taste me
on your lips
on your memory
i hope it stings
your fingers on my cheek
just a shadow
but i bite anyway
i hate your touch
i hate your taste
i hate your sad eyes and your sad smile and your sad stories
you invade me
break in
how could you believe i would still want you?
you send your wolf to watch me
yellow stares
sick yellow
and i tell him
in whispers
i don't need you anymore
he remains
intact and impossible
until my butterfly chases him away
maybe
if i sprout wings
and chase you
maybe you'll disappear too
leave my memory
the way it was
before you tore it open

Unhinged And Loving It

i watched you
fall apart
watched you
descend
i watched you
sink
to my level
i watched
your mind
go sour
i heard you
whisper
all the things
i never said
i knew the
feeling
like a familiar sting
it cut deeper
watching
from the outside
i watched you
curl
into
nothing
like a paper
beneath a flame
just a burned
blackened
withered
ash
and i guess my question is-
did it hurt as much as i remember?

Why This Blog Is Silly (A Rant)

Blogs are silly- especially when written by models.

We are paid, pressured, and pushed to be beautiful, not intelligent, eloquent, or interesting.

No one reads our words.

If it's longer than 140 characters, if it surpasses a post on Twitter, it's too much work- not like we'd have anything important to say anyway.

People don't look at our blogs because they want to know how we think, how we feel.

They don't care what makes us tick.

On the occasion they click the link, open the page, and open their eyes, it's to see if we've posted a shot of our tits yet, if maybe our bare asses have appeared in any more images.

This blog is silly, in particular, because I'm not hoping that anyone will read it.

I'm not writing for people to stumble across my words on the internet.

There are two people in this world I want to read this silly, meaningless, half-naked blog.

They don't.

So the words, the pictures, the futile meaning-

It's all for me.

Only for me.

Monday, October 5, 2009

.ANOREXIC.LUST.


(a webcam self-portrait, cuz i get bored)

The Moral Of The Story- by Alizarine

The Candle Club

it would be romantic
dinner for two
at some italian restaurant
under new york city
with candles
and roses
and a woman singing opera
badly
we would giggle
and eat spaghetti
like the lady and the tramp
with freckles of red
as our noses
bump
you would wear your red dress
and i would wear
forever black
so you could
shine
all the brighter
people would stare
because
they've never seen
anything
quite like us before
and they would say
look
look how
beautiful
they are
look how
in love
and maybe
they'd be right
but there's no spaghetti
no red dress
no bad opera
and there's no new york city
so i'll light a candle
and watch it
burn

Where Do Your Dreams Rest?- by Visions Of Excess

Ana Anarchy

i am
HUNGRY
let me taste you
let me
sink
my teeth
into your
heat
can't you see?
i'm starving
and the ache
gnaws
claws
at my
insides
breaks the skin
leaves a scar
i guess i'm
beautiful
now
i guess i'm
something
worth
seeing
now that i'm
flesh
&
bone
now that i'm
THIN
we waste away
to become great
it's our
religion
pictures from magazines
thumb-tacked
to our skin
barbie-doll syndrome
burned
into our
egos
we are what we eat
and nihilism is perfect
we are the most beautiful girls in the world

OUR STORY

Tonight I read the story you wrote

The one about us

The one that lays all our secrets on the table

The one that tells our lives

in poetry

and fantasy

and absolute truth

The one that makes me cry

Tonight I read the story you wrote

And I'm terrified to read the ending

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Shades Of Seduction- by Conceptually Black

waiting for love, by freckles

.memorized.

i'll smoke a cigarette
while i contemplate your face
memorize your eyes-
that blue with no name
just water-wind-sparkle
the way those butterfly lashes
frame them
kiss your skin
every time you
blink
i'll remember
the curve of your cheek
and the peak of your lips
and the taste of your kiss
i will let my mind wander
just a little while longer
i'll remember how
soft
you always were
how electric
your smile could be
i'll dream of the
us
that should have been
firefly glitter queens
more radiant
than the moon
as we flew
time and space
meant nothing
well, one cigarette turned into three
and i wonder
if you ever remember me

Monday, September 28, 2009

H E R O E S

close your eyes
let me taste your fear
let me breathe your world in

84 miles and we're still driving

it's only cold
without you in me
whisper the stars, love

75- can't we go faster?

the highway
left it all behind us
racing our heart-rates

it's over now.

explode with me
our own super nova
we'll be heroes tonight-

as we shine.

A S Y L U M

welcome to the asylum
medicated monstrosity
pain in chains
we wander the halls
numbed
remembering
the way we used to be
we are the damned
with glass eyes
and steel hearts
we do not see
the peeling walls
the barred windows
the locked doors
we have forgotten them
the walls & the bars & the doors
they do not hold us here
we are prisoners to our weakness
we are condemned by our own disease
shuffle
in socks
with treads on the bottom
among the rubble
that was our lives
here i can
remember you
and it can't
kill me

.KILLER.DOLLS.

I WANT TO FUCK YOUR LIFE UP

look up
&
see me
where you could
only dream
of being

look up
&
feel me
rising
as you
slip

look up
&
know me
when i was your
other half

look up
&
hate me
for living
as you
died

I WANT TO FUCK YOUR LIFE UP

drop another line
another name
&
watch it
shatter

they can't save you now
as you
spin-out
as you
burn

I WANT TO FUCK YOUR LIFE UP

you're just like
all the
plastic people
you always said
you
hated
you're just like
all the
mannequins
and
barbie dolls
and
magazine covers
beautiful
&
hollow

I WANT TO FUCK YOUR LIFE UP

a great big list of people who suck

1) people who tell you they miss you, how bad they want to see you, and then blow you off like you don't exist.

2) people who beg you to work with them, and then flake on you.

3) people who don't understand the meaning of the word "no".

4) manipulative people.

5) people who take out their frustrations on you, when you have nothing to do with it.

6) people who lie.

7) people who try so hard to seem cool and important that they forget who they really are.

8) people who push you to be something you're not.

9) people who only like you because they think they can get something out of you.

10) closed-minded people.

11) people who pretend to be your best friend, and then make it pretty clear they don't give a shit about you.

12) people who are so focused on their boyfriend/girlfriend they forget about the other people in their lives.

13) people who care more about partying than anything else- including their friends.

14) dumb people.

R E D- Karina Nicole by Lazyi, make-up by ME!

DEAC 4

Just got home from Detroit- all in one piece!- and I am eagerly awaiting pictures!

This weekend was a blast and a half! Drove up Friday with Mr Black, and as per usual, they had fucked up our reservation. (Welcome to the Leland!) But instead of getting a shit-tastic little room, they ended up giving us a jacuzzi suite! (w00t!) I just have to say, that hot tub was so '70's porno it's awesome! Hung out, went to the meet & greet and chilled with some cool people, smoked way too fuckin much, and got a lovely surprise- Lenna Amore had brought my brathair up as her "assistant"! So while Mr Black shot with Natasha Fatale, I got to hang out with him, Dade McHaul, Dollface Deadsy, and EPO for a bit. (Good times!) And around 2:30 in the AM, Jose G and Tabitha Vice (our roommates) got in, so we chilled for a bit and called it a night around 4.

Saturday- Georgian make-up on Dade and GoddessAngie for a shoot with Lisolette Gilcrest. I was really happy with the way it turned out, and I can't wait to see some pictures! Then the lovely Alizarine brought me a gorgeous corset she'd made to shoot me in! The only problem- the stockings I'd bought were mispackaged- white, not black. But the super-sexy Barbara came to the rescue and lent me hers, so the shoot went off perfectly. (Again, can't wait to see pictures!!!) Did some pretty make-up on an emo-boy, snagged some lunch with Lisolette, A Owen Layne, and a couple others at everyone's favorite diner, then did a shoot with the sextastic Tabitha Vice! (Much fun was had.) Assisted Mr Black on a shoot with Rachel Rampage, and then, thanks to Lisolette, I got to go to Dirty Show! The work was awesome, and it was sweet to see myself on the wall lol! Mr Black, Dade, Angie and I grabbed a bite at the diner, and then went back to our room to hang out with Jose, Tabitha, Kira Nova, Miss Allison and Collin. (Kira and I availed ourselves of the hot tub hehe!)

Sunday, Mr Black shot a Dom/sub set with Justin PC and I, then I did a topless-and-jeans shoot with Image Rooster, lunch with Lenna Amore and my brother, Mr Black shot naughty fun with Miss Allison and myself, romantic topless goodness in my favorite white dress with Freckles, and a zivity-set hopeful with Tim Nolan involving an Air Force uniform shirt, fishnets, and a helmet!

It was a long weekend and a long drive back, but it was sooo much fun! Can't wait to see the pictures, and till the CAC on Halloween!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

.love.me.deeper.

Forget What We Were
Just Think Of What We Could Be...



romance me
feel me
breathe me
i am the rose
and you're the lightning
touch me
like it kills you
like tonight
might be the last one
hold me
hold me
remember me
tomorrow
inhale
take me in
taste me
sweeter than the last one
know that i'll be
the one
you think of
every night
forever
take me
like a killer
like you
can't live
unless
you're
inside me
like it's the
one
last
thing
you'll do
rape me
like a hero
eat me
whole
consume me
pick your poison
&
drink
deep
need me
stare me down
memorize me
the electric shine
in my eyes
the curve
of my mountain
and the cut
of my lips
i am the goddess
and you're the pilgrim
on your
knees
pray
wish
believe
in only
me
live me
crave me
i am your
cocaine
i am your
ecstasy
save me
be my
white knight
be my
jesus
be me
love me
deeper

10 Truths

1) i wish on stars i can't see, for things i can't have

2) i still care so much for people who care nothing for me

3) for photos, i'd rather be soaked in blood or covered in glitter than prancing around nude and pretending i'm something i'm not

4) i really do keep my friends close and my enemies closer

5) i get jealous over stupid shit sometimes

6) i'm still nice to him, as much as i wish he'd just get the fuck out of my life

7) i miss being the girl i was sometimes. i still don't understand the person i am now.

8) i have no fucking clue how to be happy. sad, angry, all that i can deal with. but happiness i can't figure out.

9) 95% of the time, i hate modeling

10) i'd rather be a poet

R O M A N T I C I Z E D

look how
beautiful
you are
with your
bones
protruding
with your
flesh
pale
pulled tight
like a
canvas
like
white silk
on a
screen
with a
fragile frame
look how
perfect
you are
so
delicate
a tiny
glass
vial
full of
pretty
poison
look how
flawless
you are
look how
beautiful

Monday, September 14, 2009

Geometric Sex- by SPRINGHEEL

Beautiful Girls

They say that
pretty girls
are a dime a dozen
&
it's true.

But some are truly
special.

Some are not
porcelain dolls
so ready to be broken
waiting
for the slightest
touch
of your
fingertips
the slightest
smile
on your lips
to validate
her existence.

Some are not
silicone
and fantasy
living only
to be your
true love
for one night.

Some are
REAL.

Some are so
black velvet
sweet wine
chocolate-covered cherry
smooth

&
so
watermelon
while you catch
fireflies
on your tongue
sweet

&
so
stars
die
in her
blue
eyes
beautiful

You have to
touch her

You have to
taste her

You have to
watch her
every move

you have to
love her
forever
no matter
how hard
you fight it

You have to
want her
all of her
near you
with you
in you
until it hurts

You have to
chase her
because you're so
afraid
you might miss
a single
sparkling
moment
that you can't
breathe

You have to
accept her
for better
for worse
because
nothing you say
nothing you do
will change her

& sometimes
you have to
let
her
go

Because you cannot
hold a
butterfly
in your hands
forever
without breaking her
wings

You cannot catch
the lightning
with your teeth

&
you cannot
love a girl
like butterflies
and lightning
and disco glitter perfection
and keep her
in a box

I know
because once
i was in love
with the most
beautiful
girl
in the world.

Ta Dada Orm...

... reidh go dti sibh... sibh mba mo duine geal ridire, mo dochas cathain gach uile rud thainig fabht air, mo neart cathain mise riachtanais go dti lig gabh... sibh mba mo gaiscoich cathain si an uile taispeain gan tairbhe...

cen rud did mise coisir go dti scrios e seo?

anois, cathain mise riachtanas a cara nios mo na i gconai, mise faigh me fein in eineacht le ceann ar bith...

go dti ceas croi ag tigh sibhse iomlan, ansin.

mise eirigh as...

sibhse dean si iontach follasach iad sin ta dada orm... reidh go dti sibhse...

A Better Version Of You

i could be a better version of you

i could do the things you do

drink more, eat less

fuck more, love less

smoke more, feel less

yeah, i could be you, but could you be me?

i could be the girl everyone falls in love with

i could be the girl that gets

chewed up,

spit out,

and left behind

like nothing at all

i could be the world's sweetheart

yeah, i could be you, love, but you could never be me

i could be a better version of you

i could do the things you do

i could love everyone and no one at all

i could hide it as i fall apart

yeah, i could be you, but could you be me?

Monday, September 7, 2009

Cineal Plaisteach Domhan

Sinne mair sna iad seo cineal plaisteach domhan
In eineacht le cineal plaisteach daoine
Siadsan mair sna mor plaisteach teachs
In eineacht le cineal plaisteach clanns
Siadsan is cineal
Siadsan is foirfe
Siadsan is breige
Sinne mair sna iad seo cineal plaisteach domhan
In eineacht le cineal plaisteach daoine
Siadsan machnaigh sinne is granna
Toisc sinne is nithiuil
Sinne is nach cineal
Sinne is nach plaisteach
Sinne is nach foirfe
Sinne is aonair
Feoil
Fuil
Cnamh
Sinne caith colms
Amhail sceals
Amhail a suaitheantas
Sinne is nach cineal
Ar bith
Sinne is nach plaisteach
Sinne is nach foirfe
Sinne is nithiuil daoine
Ag tigh nithiuil pian
Nithiuil colms
Agus ce go plaisteach daoine creid sinne is granna
Sinne coinnigh rite go dti ar baruil-
Se is an pian, an gleic
Ce acu is alainn

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Coir E Seo Uair...

...Mas e do thoil e coil bi seanmhar do mise...

Mise ar deireadh criochnaigh rud eigin ar mo fein, agus an uile sibh samhail dar data- airgead.

Cen fath reir tu nach sibh coir bi oibrithe do mise? E do thoil e?

Mise ar deireadh mothaigh maith timpeall rud eigin, agus an uile sibh feasta- deantus mise mothaigh amhail cac...

Iomlan. Iad seo coir ceard mise riachtanas...

Thursday, July 16, 2009

a stor mo chroi-

cannaigh tu comhlion a aonarach gealltanas tu dean?

coir la den saol, mise riachtanas dti bi abalta dti creid sibh togradh lean trid.

mise riachtanas dti bi abalta dti biodh iontaoibh agat as tu.

na fion, na dean grain le, na goile cuimil, na scannan...

coir mionur giuirleidi sin cuir le go dti an maithaitneamhach firinne- si togradh choiche be tuairim is tu.

agus sin ni se fiu didean tabhachtach gealltanas tu dearmad...

tu duit mise sinn ar leat posta tar eis do se mhi... tu duit mise tu riachtanais dti caith bhur beocht in eineacht le mise...

in am amhain, tu ba fulaing aimsir chun iarr ar tuairim is mo la, cen rud mise baruil, conas mise feilt... in am amhain, tu ba coinnigh mise teann, pog mise go domhain...

ca huair did iad sin stad?

ca huair did tu isligh as baile dar data gra?

ca huair did na domhan tosaigh imrothlac timpeall tu?

mo baruil agus mothucan coisir nach angadh.

na rud mise riachtanais coisir nach angadh.

mise coisir nach angadh...

conas feasta mise saothraigh tu tit sna gra ag tigh mise athuair?

conas feasta mise saothraigh tu feic cad e mar olc ta se nimhneach mise?

ta me chomh doirte sin duit...

-do beag aon

Friday, June 5, 2009

Cad Ina Thaobh?

ma gach aon rud is ceart go leor, cad ina thaobh am mise socair mar sin eaglach?

mise raibh bheith sinte, mise raibh ceil rud ar bith.

mise duirt sibhse an firinne.

se nil soineanta!

mo misneach is go foill greasail moran cadranta, moran sciobtha.

mise misneach mothaigh tinn.

mise misneach nach chaith na codail.

cad ina thaobh?

mise ca dada contrailte.

tu misneach gra me.

muidne beidh bi ceart go leor- tu duirt mar sin thu fein. tu geall.

se nil soineata!

cad ina thaobh?

cad ina thaobh am me misneach gortaithe?

cad ina thaobh feasta me misneach riachtanais dti faigh bas?

mise ort tuig...

cad ina thaobh mise lig ar cios si imigh?

E Seo Beidh Bi An Deireadh

mise riachtanais go basaigh inniu.
nios mo na mise orm sna se mhi.
mise riachtanais lamh a chur i do bhas fein.
mise riachtanais dti dean cuisleoireacht ar.
mise riachtanas dti.
mise nil suas ag tigh e seo.
mise riacthanas go criochnaigh se.
cuir mallacht ar si, cuir mallacht ar si, cuir mallacht ar si!
mise fuathaigh me fein...
mise nil mair ag tigh me fein.
cad ina thaobh nil mise iompair se iomlan muin?
lig ar cios muidne geit de an tosach.
lig ar cios muidne pog agus ullmhaigh iad seo.
lig ar cios se bi den chineal ceanna se bhi ar tosach...
le do thoil?
maith do mise?
maith do mise na lig ar cios tabhair...
dearmad mise, ah gra.
sibhse beidh bi seanmhar se bealach.
ta me chomh mor sin i ngra leat...
do cheannsa i gconai

Whole No More

fragments of some greater failure
pieces of my world, scattered and lost
fallen leaves on a hurricane wind
memories and moments gone
forgotten
thought i had it, for a minute
thought i got it right
i cannot stand alone
i cannot pull it together
not this time
i am no puzzle-
the shards never fit together right
so please don't try to fix me
i am whole no more

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Monday, May 11, 2009

Shhhhhh

so... i quit modeling because i feel ugly and fat and shit.

and NOW you want to have this conversation??? really???

good call...

this is pretty much the last thing i want to talk about at the moment...

will you please just stop?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Whisper On The Wind- by AnnaInez (with Deanna)

.L.O.V.E.

Why does night seem so much darker when you're away from the one you love? Why is the wind colder? Why are the hours longer and the days grayer? Every minute feels like an age without him now. And every goodbye feels like the last, ripping out your heart and filling your eyes with tears that burn and sting... Why do stars hide from view without his arms around you? Why does your body ache without his touch?

Love isn't like bleeding or drowning or any of the things I usually write about. And it's not the fairytale some make it out to be. The French and the ancient Celts had it right from the start- love is a torture that is worth every second, a trial that is, in essence, the reason to breathe. It hurts sometimes. It doesn't always work out the way you want. But is there a nobler goal than to love, wholly and completely, without any reservations? Is there a greater cause? Mankind can never fully comprehend the all-consuming, all-enrapturing soul of these words; a woman in love is rarely comprehensible. But most can relate to some degree.

When you see them, your heart skips, your breath catches, and your mind begins to move much quicker than your tongue. When they touch you, a sort of electricity surges through your veins, pulses with your heart, and shimmers in your eyes... These are the basics- Attraction. Chemistry.

But love... To love someone is to know, understand, and accept that person for who and what they are. You must have their best interests at your very core, maing them a vital part of every decision you make. You must want to help them better themselves- support them as they fly, not tether them down. You must be willing to compromise with them, and sometimes make sacrifices for them. Let it never be said that I encourage losing yourself completely for a lover. But truly, if you could take a bullet for them, would you?

Love is not honeymoons and butterflies all the time. Love is making a cup of tea at 3 a.m. when he's sick, and maybe skipping your football game one Sunday to spend the day with her. Love is not forgetting yourself; it's just putting the other first from time to time.

i wonder...

if i just stopped existing... would anyone notice?

i'm honestly starting to doubt it.

Friday, May 8, 2009

R E A S S E M B L E D

these puzzle pieces never fit
the way i want them to
never seem to make the picture whole
a face left
cracked
incomplete
a story left
untold
and i can't seem to make it right
not tonight
no, not tonight
chip the paint away
from her pretty face
and see her-
weak
and crying
and completely
exposed
see her
ugly
sad
and unable to stay silent
see the writing on the wall
on her skin
poems in scarlet letters
secrets only whispered
and screams you ignored
the pieces fit now
in some shattered form
no box can contain her
not anymore
her eyes
a brighter blue
a deeper green
and a red you can't erase
see scarred arms
and tear-stains
and try to pretend
that the girl
reassembled
is not you

remind me...

...why do i do this, again?

Alice- by Swae

S O M E T I M E S

sometimes i stop existing.

sometimes i am nothing but a number in your phone-book and a face that seems vaguely familiar.

sometimes i am nothing at all.

sometimes i am forgotten.

sometimes i forget myself.

sometimes i wonder if i was ever here at all.

sometimes i ache from the inside out.

sometimes i don't care.

sometimes i am so numb i'm not sure if i hurt or not.

sometimes i can sing so loud and so deep it makes it all okay.

sometimes i can't make a sound at all.

sometimes i am no one.

sometimes i like it better that way.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I FUCKING QUIT

for the time being, i don't even want to see another damn camera...

i'm tired of feeling ugly.
i'm tired of feeling like i'm not going anywhere.
i'm tired of worrying how i look.
i'm tired of people who only want to work with me because they know i have no boundaries.
i'm tired of wishing i were prettier and skinnier.
i'm tired of being hungry.
i'm tired of doing the same damn thing over and over and over.
i'm tired of counting calories and obsessing over how much i can exercise.
i'm tired of shooting other peoples' ideas and never doing any of my own.
i'm tired of hating myself.

i've had enough.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I Can't Pretend- by Jose G

this isn't going to go well...

... is it?

something is changing in my world. i don't know what it is or why, but i know it hurts.
it's a constant ache lately, something that never goes away, but sometimes escalates to a stab, a burn, a blinding sting.
sometimes i can put it out of my mind, ignore it, forget.
but i suppose that's what got me into this mess in the first place, isn't it?
the need to forget, the desire to be someone else...
sometimes it seems like i did this to myself.
and sometimes it's like a cruel joke of nature.
today... it's a little of both.
today, i can't ignore it, can't forget it, can't pretend i'm okay.
today i want to sleep until it's over.
turn it off, please?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

could you...

could you PLEASE at least pretend to be interested in anything i have to say for a minute?
could you please return some of the affection i shower on you?
could you please acknowledge that i exist?
could you please stop expecting me to pamper you all day every day if you can't even be there for me when i'm sick and in pain?
could you please be honest with me?
could you please act like i'm more than an assistant, a masseur, and a whore to you?
could you please tell me what's going on?
could you please be in love with me again- even if just for a minute?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

a day gone wrong

everything seems wrong today... everything seems different.
i want to call someone, but i don't know who to talk to...
i want to tell someone what's going on in my head, but i don't feel like i can trust anyone...
i want to be held, even if just for a minute, but there's no one here...
i want to feel like me again.
i want to feel okay.
why is that so hard?

Monday, April 6, 2009

I Am Not Worthy

i am not worthy
of your time
of your eyes
of your kisses or touches or even your thoughts
i don't deserve you
or your intoxicating loving
or your blood blue stare
i wish i were okay
i wish i could lie
and tell you i am
but you always knew
looked right through me
like looking through water to the bottom of the barrel
i am not worthy
of your memory
of your dreams
or even your nightmares
i don't deserve you
or your death-defying heart
we fought gravity
once
we were the wind
ever changing
ever moving
we were the stars
forever glowing
you and i were something special
once
something real
well, that's what i believed
but now
i am not worthy
of even a scribbled letter
to say you miss me
i don't deserve it
not your memory
i am nothing
but a ghost

if you would...

...kindly take like 5 minutes off hitting on every other model you can find, right in front of me, that would be rad.
i don't mind a little innocent flirting, but this... enough.
we all know you're hot.
we all know girls throw themselves at you.
thanks for rubbing it in.
and you wonder why i stay out of the MM forums...

I Just Need An Answer

it's been a long time since i really seriously thought about ending it.
i've only hurt myself once in the last 8 months.
i thought i was doing pretty well.
but right now...
it's all i can think about.
how bad i need to hurt, to bleed, to forget...
how bad i need it all to stop.
i don't want to fight anymore.
i really don't.
i just need an answer.



why is it always the day after you leave that we fight like this?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

...make it go away...

tonight it hurts too much...

please-
MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Thank You

thank you for being you again, even if just for a moment.
i needed you then, and you were there.
and i wish i could say enough to thank you for it.
i've missed you.
i wonder if you know that.
i wonder if you care.
i wonder if you ever think about me, if you ever miss me too.
it meant a lot- all the things you said. everything you did.
each hug meant more than you know.
i was falling apart again, losing my mind, losing myself.
thank you for helping put the pieces back together.

Friday, March 27, 2009

today i feel...

ugly.
untalented.
unwanted.
worthless.
stupid.
broken.
fat.
cliche.
cold.
scarred.
short.
crazy.
unattractive.
unloved.
mean.
cow.
bad girlfriend.
bad friend.
bad sister.
bad daughter.
bad person.
unlovable.
hideous.
forgotten.
ignored.
used.
insane.
useless.
dirty.
dead.
moody.
selfish.
yesterday's news.
typecast.
scared.
betrayed.
left behind.
unaccomplished.
unmotivated.
restless.
unintelligent.
back-stabbed.
lifeless.
numb.
diseased.
afraid.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

no no no no no

this is all wrong.
i'm supposed to be better now.
i'm supposed to be okay.
i'm not supposed to think about hurting myself.
i'm not supposed to think about bleeding every time i make a mistake.
i'm not supposed to fall apart.
not anymore.
i'm not supposed to be in pieces...
no no no no no
this is all wrong.
i'm supposed to be better now...