Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Sumbudi'z Nobudi


that's how i feel. that's how i let it out. that's how the hurt relieves the pressure- with a scream. i feel it tearing me apart, starting in my stomach, burning up my chest and throat, until it rips my mouth open and releases itself. a scream like something primal, like dying, slowly, from the inside out. that's what it's like. another stab in the back. another set of lies and lies and more and more lies. another heartbreak i let happen. another moment i realize how stupid i am for trusting people, especially the men who say they love me. they never mean it. they never do. and yet every time i hear it, i hope it's true, i pray it's true, i let myself believe it's true..

god i'm stupid. i'm such a fucking idiot. love isn't real. it's a game. it's make-believe. just like me. there's no one person who's going to stay with you forever and ever and love you no matter what... there are no soulmates, there are no happily ever afters. christ.

i step out of one bullshit relationship- over years before we let it go- and step into one where i'm nothing but a dirty little secret... that's all i am. a whore. something you have to hide. i'm dirty. i'm scary. i'm the girl who blows you in the alley, but never the one you'd take home to meet your parents... i am a secret and a lie and a toy. that's it. that's all. that's all i'll ever be.

i finally believe someone might love me for who i am, for everything. no. he won't even tells his friends he's got a girl... "nothing from nowhere, i'm no one at all..." i just keep screaming to let the hurt come rushing out... no one even hears me cry.

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