Wednesday, June 25, 2008

F O R G O T T E N

i am the nameless wonder.
lovers forget me- you get what you want, and that's enough.
friends forget me- i mean so little when you mean so much.
family forgets me- i am the lost cause, and you don't care anymore.
i am the nameless wonder.


who gives a shit where i go? what i do? what i say? how i look? who i fuck? who i love?
NO ONE.
who would notice if i ran away? disappeared? died?
NO ONE.
and that's exactly who i am.
NO ONE.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Endlessly

"i will wait for you"
she said
endlessly
"i will wait for you"
so spoke
misery

-AFI

i await a decision that may change the rest of my life.
for better or worse, i don't know.
but i'm willing to take the risk.
will you choose me, who loves and serves you?
or will you choose the woman who treats you like her servant, not a lover?
i will wait for you.
i will wait for you to choose with baited breath.
i will wait.
though the pain and suspense are almost too much for me to take,
it's worth it.
for you, anything.
and should you choose to walk away from me forever?
please know that there will always be a place for you in my heart.
if that's the way it is to be,
i hope you look back on our time together fondly.
i know i always will.
forgive me for putting this question to the public,
but i really must know...
is this goodbye?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Can I Be You?

"can i be you? can i be you? oh, i could be you. but could you be me?"

i could be you. i could be the one doing something "honorable". i could be the one trying to "protect" my friend. i could be the one saying she's not ready, i have to keep her safe. i could be the one taking the smoother path. i could be the one making the choices. i could be the one in control. i could be the one with two lovers to choose from. i could be the one avoiding the subject. i could be the one making the promises that don't mean anything.

but could you be me? it's not so easy when you're the one being lied about, when you're the dirty little secret. it's not so much fun to know someone's hiding the fact that they're with you, that they can't even admit that they care about you. it's not easy to be treated like a play thing, around when someone wants you, then cast aside like nothing. it's not okay when you're the one being lied to and hurt.

can i be you?



(quotes from Liz Fohl's 'Can I Be You?')

LIES

Forced conversation
Hidden agenda
You think we're stupid, how dare you
The rug has not been pulled
Over our eyes you fool
We can see right through

Tip-toeing villian
Eyes in the ceiling
Your false intentions have warn thin
But we've been in your room and in your closet too
We've got one on you

Lies make it better
Lies are forever
Lies to go home to
Lies you wake up to
Lies from the alter
Lies make you falter
Lies keep your mouth fed
Lies till your death bed
Lies

Inside an office, a fallen angel
A smiling Buddha with snake eyes
Creates the latest trends
And i just cant pretend
Dont call me your friend

When all these
Lies make it better
Lies are forever
Lies to go home to
Lies you wake up to
Lies from the alter
Lies make you falter
Lies keep your mouth fed
Lies till your death bed

Lies they make it better
Lies they are forever
Lies to go home to
Lies you wake up to
Lies from the alter
Lies make you falter
Lies keep your mouth fed
Lies till your death bed
LIES!

Lies will come back to hunt you
Bulletproof your limosine
Lies will come back to haunt you
Hit and run, a broken dream

Lies make it better
Lies are forever
Lies to go home to
Lies to wake up to
Lies from the altar
Lies make you falter
Lies keep your mouth fed
Lies till your death bed

Lies they make it better
Lies they are forever
Lies to go home to
Lies you wake up to
Lies from the alter
Lies make you falter
Lies keep your mouth fed
Lies till your death bed

Lies



-BILLY TALENT

Sumbudi'z Nobudi

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!


that's how i feel. that's how i let it out. that's how the hurt relieves the pressure- with a scream. i feel it tearing me apart, starting in my stomach, burning up my chest and throat, until it rips my mouth open and releases itself. a scream like something primal, like dying, slowly, from the inside out. that's what it's like. another stab in the back. another set of lies and lies and more and more lies. another heartbreak i let happen. another moment i realize how stupid i am for trusting people, especially the men who say they love me. they never mean it. they never do. and yet every time i hear it, i hope it's true, i pray it's true, i let myself believe it's true..

god i'm stupid. i'm such a fucking idiot. love isn't real. it's a game. it's make-believe. just like me. there's no one person who's going to stay with you forever and ever and love you no matter what... there are no soulmates, there are no happily ever afters. christ.

i step out of one bullshit relationship- over years before we let it go- and step into one where i'm nothing but a dirty little secret... that's all i am. a whore. something you have to hide. i'm dirty. i'm scary. i'm the girl who blows you in the alley, but never the one you'd take home to meet your parents... i am a secret and a lie and a toy. that's it. that's all. that's all i'll ever be.

i finally believe someone might love me for who i am, for everything. no. he won't even tells his friends he's got a girl... "nothing from nowhere, i'm no one at all..." i just keep screaming to let the hurt come rushing out... no one even hears me cry.

Once Burnt, Twice Shy

if only i were that smart.
one abusive relationship,
and i move into an insane one.
that falls apart,
and i move into an unhealthy one.
that ends,
and i move into one
based entirely on lies.
what's wrong with me?
you'd think i'd learn...



once burnt
twice shy
i should've seen it
shouldn't i?
i should've seen it coming
but i was too busy looking back
but when i give my heart away
it always ends up like that
once stabbed
in the back
twice afraid
to let you have me
i put my trust
in all the lies
four times burnt,
and never shy

Saturday, June 14, 2008

As You Wish

"whichever you choose is my vow to you, to always protect you and keep you safe, to love you and guide you in our life together."

"and my vow to you is to serve you and stand by you, to love you and care for you always."


these were the words exchanged last night. these were the promises made. there is someone committed to me, pledged to protect me and love me and guide me. and i am his, his to command, his to love, his to do as he wills. though the collar is not yet around my neck, i feel it. his presence, his wishes, they are already there. and i am here to serve him. it gives me energy and direction. it gives me willpower and a cause. i care for myself now, because that will please him. i'm preparing for school, because if i do well, he will be proud of me. i work harder than ever on my modeling, because he wishes for me to succeed. somehow, i feel better now than i ever have. i desire his approval, but even more than that, i desire his smile. he could command me to walk to the ends of the earth, and i would sprint, just to be back at his side sooner. where he leads me, i will go. what he asks of me, i will do gladly. it is as he wishes, and that pleases me, for i am his.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Through Our Bleeding We Are One...

is it the pain that makes it so satisfying?
is it the act of making yourself feel on the outside the way you feel on the inside?
is it the sight of blood?
is it the reminder that you are real, you are alive?
is it the power that we crave?
is it the control?
is it knowing we could always cut deeper, always bleed more, and choosing not to?
is it the sting of the blade on our skin?

I Can't.

i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't handle it. not today. not now. i can't face it. i can't forget it. i can't escape. i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't run away. i can't distract myself. i can't stay strong. i can't let go. i can't. i can't. i can't lean on my friends any more than i already am. i can't depend on the ones i thought loved me. i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't forget the sound of his voice. i can't forget the way things were. i can't forget the touch i knew so well, and how different the others were. i can't. i can't. i can't put away the fear of tomorrow. i can't hide the panic in my eyes. i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't lie anymore. i can't pretend i'm okay. i can't. i can't. i can't wear this fake fucking smile anymore. i can't. i can't. i can't hold it together. i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't live like this. i can't.

House Of Nightmares Group Shoot- e a k








Lazyi Photography- GHOST STORIES



Rx

40 mg prozac, twice daily.
20 mg trazadone, once at bedtime.
weekly appointments with psychologist.
bi-weekly appointments with psychiatrist.
one week of hospitalization.
scars that never fade.

BOUND


i am bound to a fate that is not my own. i am bound by lies i never told. i am bound heart-to-heart with a man who will never love me. i am bound to a destiny i never chose. i am bound by my mind, which was never sane. i am bound by my body, used, abused, and broken. i am bound to a past i cannot escape. i am bound by my need, and by my desire. i am bound to a family i will never be part of. i am bound to opinions i will not hold. i am bound to a god that is not my own. i am bound to a pain that never fades. i am bound to a darkness that will never pass. i am bound to secrets i can never speak. i am bound to the end.



photo courtesy of the lovely and talented Angela K. Rough

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Why Not?

question of the week-
why not?
why not try a bondage photo shoot?
why not sleep with the people i've always lusted after?
why not risk falling in love again?

this weekend has been amazing
it's exactly what i needed
not only am i inspired to model again
but i have some vague faith in humanity restored
there are people that care
there are people that don't think i'm a crazy lying bitch
there are people that think of me as more than just a whore
i am worth something
and i don't need him around to tell me that
i am a good person
and i don't need a man to reinforce that
i can be loved again someday
and he's not the only one out there for me

i'm young and i'm crazy and i'm going to have fun
i'm going to flirt and fuck and fight like an irish woman should
i'm going to get drunk
i'm going to kiss girls
i'm going to try things i never imagined
and i'm going to party like a rockstar
i'm gonna give in once in a while and deal with things the only way i know how
i'm going to say what i mean
and not be afraid of what someone will think
i'm going to do what i want
and not let anyone tell me otherwise
i'm a single, attractive young woman
why not have fun with it?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Quotes To Suit My Fucked-Up Mood

"Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off- but it's better if you do." -CLOSER

"Love is a promise delivered already broken." -Steve Martin

"No one is a virgin when life has screwed us all." -HagislilSaya on deviantART

"I can help you see the light out of your despair. You tie the rope, and I'll kick the chair." -Flatline Design on ModelMayhem

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Love Ends

"i don't love you anymore- good-bye"

is it really that simple?
does it just go away
like a light
when you flip a switch?
does it fade
slowly?
or is it a sudden-
BANG!
?
is it over
like it was never there at all?
or does it linger?
does it ever really go away?

Second Life

let's escape
to a place
where no one can
hurt us
no one can
touch us
and life is truly
what we make it
let's set ourselves
free
and forget
inhibitions
let's dance till dawn
and not worry anymore
let's run away
to a place
where the sky
is no limit
where music
can carry us
away
from the pain
and into
the dawn
let's watch
the ocean
roll
in and out
like lovers
making the stars
dance
on the surface
let's go somewhere
we can forget
the ties
that hold us
back
and the words
that cut us
deeper
than knives
ever could
let's start a world
of make-believe
where you can
be mine
and i can
be yours
and we'll just
pretend
that it doesn't
hurt
anymore

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

10 Real Secrets

1) i fall in love with men i know i can never have
2) i wish i were vegan, partially because i love animals, but mostly because i want to be skinnier.
3) i still think about killing myself. a lot.
4) a little girl named athena saved my life friday night.
5) i would be a really awesome phone-sex operator.
6) i put up pictures of my friends on the walls to remind me what i'm living for.
7) i confide in this blog more than i do in anyone i know.
8) i just got a booty-call from two of my best guy friends. i don't think i like it.
9) i spend way too much time texting, and not nearly enough time actually connecting with people.
10) lately, i've been smoking almost two packs a day. i just keep telling people it's one.

Head-Case

wow... i don't even know where to begin...

what could possibly make you think it's a good idea to publicly call a girl with actual mental health problems a "head-case" ???

have you seriously got no heart, no compassion at all?

this is ridiculous...

it's people like this who make me want to quit this business.

i'm taking a hiatus from modeling for a while. the drama has gotten to be too much for me to handle. i'll be back once things have calmed down...

sincerely yours-
the head case

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Poison

there's nothing like poison
to make you forget
the fear in your heart
and the blood on your hands
no, there's nothing like fading
to take it away
swallow the cure
and pray