things have been better for me since i went to the hospital. i won't lie to you- it was one of the hardest decisions i've ever had to make. but i think it was the best one. to everyone who didn't know, i'm sorry i disappeared for a week, but i needed it. i had to get away. i had to get help. and i did that.
i went to riverside hospital on sunday, and checked into marion general hospital around 3 monday morning. i saw my mother cry for the first time in a long time, and i will never be able to thank her enough for everything she did for me. she stayed by my side the entire time we waited at riverside, followed the ambulance out to marion, and kept her arm around me until she had to leave. she visited me every day. she brought my teddy bear and blanket, and bought me books. she told me she was proud of me for the first time in my memory. it's been a long time since i felt close to her, but i do now...
i stayed there for 4 days, talking to people who felt the same as i did. they understood. and better yet, they helped me see that i'm worth something. they told me how beautiful i was, how talented, how smart... they held me close when i was upset. they stayed up long past lights out with me, all of us confiding in one another, trusting each other completely. i painted ceramic angels, i wrote about my feelings, i took the time for myself.
i called krys, and he reminded me why i was there, and told me he was proud of me, and that he was there for me. i wore a hospital gown (the string wrapped around my waist twice!), and funny hospital socks... they don't come in any color but blue. late wednesday afternoon, i got my clothes back. a few hours later, they told me i would go home the next evening.
they gave me medication, which i took with only a slight hesitation. at that point, i was willing to try anything to get the pain in me to die. for the most part, it worked. i don't remember a time in my life i actually felt this good about myself before... but tonight i'm sad, and i don't know why. i can't help wondering if these meds are really helping...
i miss the friends i made in marion general. i miss the constant feeling of being safe, of being away from anything that could possibly hurt you. sometimes i hate the fact that i'm an escapist, but i needed that separation from my life, my world, for a little while. and now, when things hurt, i wonder if i was really ready to leave. but i was. i am. i still sleep with the blanket they gave me when i got to riverside. it has been my comfort, my safety, my reminder. i'm okay now. i'm actually okay.
but the point of this message, besides recording my experience, is to tell you this- it's been a week and a half since i've been home from the hospital. my life has changed. i am a better, happier woman than i was before. and for the first time in my life, i can truly tell you- i want to live. you may think mental hospitals are just for fucked up lost causes, somewhere to lock us up and forget about us, but that's not the case at all. fuck the stigmas, fuck what you've seen in the movies- it's not true. there is hope. there is a better life waiting. you can have it all, if you want it, if you try. never be afraid to seek help. ask a friend, a family member, anyone, but never ever be afraid to ask. and for you "normal" people, those of you have never had an experience like this... we're not lepers. we're not mutants. we're the same people we were before, but with our diseases and disorders under control. don't treat us like we're invaleds. we're not. just know we've been through some shit, and sometimes we need your support.
if this weirds you out, i'm sorry. if you think less of me for this, fuck you, you never respected me in the first place. if you have something to say, please feel free, as long as it's not ignorant bullshit. thank you everyone for taking the time to read about my experiences. if this can be helpful to someone in the future- any single person- putting myself out there for judgment, pity, and ridicule will be worth it. gods willing, someone will read this when they need it most.
blessed be, everyone. love and best wishes to you all.
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