Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A Rant

what is it with photographers who think they get to be rude and demanding just because they know how to work a fucking camera?
i understand that you have certain expectations from the people you collaborate with.
that doesn't mean you have the right to be an asshole about it.
you want to shoot nudes, fine.
but if you think that you're so high and mighty that women will just naturally drop their pants for you, you've got another thing coming.
yes, your work is good.
yes, you make a living doing this.
but when a model's profile specifically states that she DOES NOT do nudes for free, don't bother contacting her if you're not interested in paying her!
you come off as self-centered, egotistical, and kinda stupid.
why go out of your way to make that kind of impression?
and then, when she calls you out on being rude to her, don't bother trying to prove yourself or some shit.
i don't really care that some other model i've never met or heard of had a great time collaborating with you.
i'm happy for her.
but that doesn't mean i'm changing my standards for you.
so the basic summary-
A) read the models profile before you contact her
B) actually pay attention to what she says in the profile
C) be polite, cuz no one wants to work with an asshole
D) don't think you're such hot shit that nobody else matters, cuz odds are, it's not true.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I'm No One

tomorrow is a day that never comes

i'll never listen when you tell me that love isn't enough

and i was stupid, yes, i was stupid to believe

that you could ever love me for me

cuz who am i but shadows and lies?

who do you see when you look in my eyes?

well, i'm no one...

Will You?

will you save me from a day that's not my own?
will you break me just to let me know you've won?
and all the words that spill from your lips
taste like liquor to me, love
and all the promises you've killed
feel like a drug

will you make me cry tonight to see my soft side?
will you keep me in your arms all through the dark night?
and when you drag me through the pain
to all the pleasure you can bring
it's like a heaven you can only find
when you let go of everything

will you?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Real Part 2

this is me as a work of art. this is me as something lovely. this is me not falling apart. this is me, pretty. this is me believing in faeries. this is me loving the sunlight. this is me enjoying the beauty of what is, not wishing for something that isn't. this is me not playing a role anymore. this is me, a lady of grace. this is me, knowing i'm worth it. this is me, telling him i deserve better. this is me, not tearing myself apart anymore. this is me, dreaming of a brighter future for myself. this is me, willing to work for that future. this is me as a greek goddess. this is me, worshiping the goddess on my own terms. this is me with no mask to hide behind. this is me, not worried for once in my life. this is me, with a prayer on my lips and a song in my heart. this is me not scared anymore. this is me thinking i might be pretty after all. this is me at my best. this is me as artemis, aphrodite, hera, vesta, gaia, and all the others wrapped into one. this is me, watching raindrops fall with a smile. this is me wishing for a warm bed and hot chocolate. this is me at some sort of peace. this is me not depending on anyone but me and my friends. this is me, longing for a kiss. this is me, waiting for springtime. this is me, with love in my heart. this is me, with real joy in my eyes for once. this is me with nothing to hide. this is me as a renaissance painting. this is me, feeling good about myself. this is me, loving every minute of it. this is me, enjoying the cold air on my bare skin. this is me, waiting for something big. this is me, real.

nudes by gary m- march cac shoot

here i am

a portrait of my body

reach out and touch faith

real women have curves


reflecting you, reflecting me



Monday, April 21, 2008

Some Nightmares Never End

i woke up screaming, sobbing, shaking.
and it's all for you...
every day i wish your memory would fade...
i'm starting to realize it never will.
you left more than bruises with me, dear.
and i hate you for it.
i still cringe when i hear your name
after all you put me through.
you can call me a whore if you want.
i hope it makes you feel better about yourself.
you can tell them all i was a liar and a cheat
but what's the point when you know yourself it was never true?
i hope it does something for your ego
to know i still think about the look in your eye
when you said you would kill me.
i knew all along that you meant it.
and when you cornered me
did you do it just to scare me?
i see now that no matter how far i run
no matter where i hide or who i become
some nightmares never end...
you're that nightmare.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Fuck 4-20

happy 4-20 to all of you who get to indulge in the partying. glad y'all get to celebrate. but from those of us who can't, for one reason or another- FUCK YOU. personally, i'm deathly allergic to marijuana. the very smell of it makes me violently ill. so what does everyone around me decide to do? go fucking figure- smoke up in my greenhouse, so i can't even be around. I hate 4-20 even more than i hate christmas, and that's saying something... a whole day devoted to the one thing i can't possibly even be near. god hates me.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The One You Fear The Most

his eyes wander over you, head to toe, over and over. those eyes are black- they weren't when you first met. he just watches, takes in every last move you make, every curve of your body, every freckle on your skin. he just watches you, with a contorted smile on his thin face. you back away a step or two- slowly, subtly, as not to cause a scene. but there is the glass, cold on your back, preventing you from moving away. there he is, watching with his black eyes, his sick smile, holding you there, as if to remind you, 'you are mine. no matter where you go, no matter what you do, you will never forget this. you will never forget me. you are mine.' it's like a nightmare. the bruises all come back, his grasp on your throat, the hiss of his voice. memories all flood in as his eyes move up and down, memorizing you. and he just smiles. your breath catches and never quite comes back. your hands begin to tremble, and your heart thuds over and over, much faster than it should. you want to scream. you want to run. you want to get away. but there's the glass behind you, and him before you. no one around seems to notice his stare, fastened on you. no one around seems to notice your panic. so you just take a deep breath and murmur a prayer. your hell is there, staring you in the face. if ever you needed salvation, it's now. you can't forget the feeling of his hand clutching your arm, shaking you back and forth, his voice screaming every profanity in the book. you can't escape those black fucking eyes and that warped fucking smile. so instead of breaking out, you turn inside yourself, and implode. you shake, you sob, you can't even breathe. for a moment, you are the chaos he always wanted you to be. you are his tortured creation, his toy. but then it all goes dead- there is no sound, no color, no motion, no world around you- and you simply walk away.

Reflections On The Dawn

i woke up in time to watch the sunrise this morning. god only knows why i couldn't sleep past 7 o'clock, but it was worth it. the gold light touched a gray sky, and the result was tangerine, rose, and violet. even in the clouds anticipating a storm, the sun could bring some beauty. now the sun peaks from beneath the curtain of steel-gray, illuminating the trees outside my window, giving each green leaf a golden lining, and glittering in the last bits of dew. it will rain today, i have no doubt. but for this one perfect moment, you can see the brilliant blue of the sky, the pale gold of the sun. there is nothing like it. a sunrise does the heart good, reminding you that there is some hope- the sun will rise, the dawn will come after the darkness, and there will be some kind of glory, with birds singing 'hallelujiah' and silent fireworks in the sky.

Sunday, April 13, 2008


things have been better for me since i went to the hospital. i won't lie to you- it was one of the hardest decisions i've ever had to make. but i think it was the best one. to everyone who didn't know, i'm sorry i disappeared for a week, but i needed it. i had to get away. i had to get help. and i did that.
i went to riverside hospital on sunday, and checked into marion general hospital around 3 monday morning. i saw my mother cry for the first time in a long time, and i will never be able to thank her enough for everything she did for me. she stayed by my side the entire time we waited at riverside, followed the ambulance out to marion, and kept her arm around me until she had to leave. she visited me every day. she brought my teddy bear and blanket, and bought me books. she told me she was proud of me for the first time in my memory. it's been a long time since i felt close to her, but i do now...
i stayed there for 4 days, talking to people who felt the same as i did. they understood. and better yet, they helped me see that i'm worth something. they told me how beautiful i was, how talented, how smart... they held me close when i was upset. they stayed up long past lights out with me, all of us confiding in one another, trusting each other completely. i painted ceramic angels, i wrote about my feelings, i took the time for myself.
i called krys, and he reminded me why i was there, and told me he was proud of me, and that he was there for me. i wore a hospital gown (the string wrapped around my waist twice!), and funny hospital socks... they don't come in any color but blue. late wednesday afternoon, i got my clothes back. a few hours later, they told me i would go home the next evening.
they gave me medication, which i took with only a slight hesitation. at that point, i was willing to try anything to get the pain in me to die. for the most part, it worked. i don't remember a time in my life i actually felt this good about myself before... but tonight i'm sad, and i don't know why. i can't help wondering if these meds are really helping...
i miss the friends i made in marion general. i miss the constant feeling of being safe, of being away from anything that could possibly hurt you. sometimes i hate the fact that i'm an escapist, but i needed that separation from my life, my world, for a little while. and now, when things hurt, i wonder if i was really ready to leave. but i was. i am. i still sleep with the blanket they gave me when i got to riverside. it has been my comfort, my safety, my reminder. i'm okay now. i'm actually okay.
but the point of this message, besides recording my experience, is to tell you this- it's been a week and a half since i've been home from the hospital. my life has changed. i am a better, happier woman than i was before. and for the first time in my life, i can truly tell you- i want to live. you may think mental hospitals are just for fucked up lost causes, somewhere to lock us up and forget about us, but that's not the case at all. fuck the stigmas, fuck what you've seen in the movies- it's not true. there is hope. there is a better life waiting. you can have it all, if you want it, if you try. never be afraid to seek help. ask a friend, a family member, anyone, but never ever be afraid to ask. and for you "normal" people, those of you have never had an experience like this... we're not lepers. we're not mutants. we're the same people we were before, but with our diseases and disorders under control. don't treat us like we're invaleds. we're not. just know we've been through some shit, and sometimes we need your support.
if this weirds you out, i'm sorry. if you think less of me for this, fuck you, you never respected me in the first place. if you have something to say, please feel free, as long as it's not ignorant bullshit. thank you everyone for taking the time to read about my experiences. if this can be helpful to someone in the future- any single person- putting myself out there for judgment, pity, and ridicule will be worth it. gods willing, someone will read this when they need it most.
blessed be, everyone. love and best wishes to you all.