Saturday, March 29, 2008

Save My Life

Yesterday was a mistake.
I panicked.
I lost control.
And now I'm paying for it.
I don't know where to turn for help.
I don't know who can save me.
All I know is that I'm hurt and scared.
And I know I've got to change it somehow.
Krys And Keelzey...
You two are the best friends I could possibly ask for.
You literally saved my life last night.
I can never thank you enough for that.
Now, I have to do it for myself.
And I'm not sure how.
I need your prayers.
I need your hands.
I need your hearts.
But most of all, I need my own.
I wish someone could save me.
I wish someone could make it all go away.
But it seems like this one's up to me.
And I don't know how to fix it.
I don't know how to put the pieces of my life back together.
And I don't know how to want tomorrow to come.
I'm just doing the best I can.
God help me if that's not enough.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Is That Love?

how are you supposed to know when you really love someone? i mean, you think it's real. you think it's the end-all-be-all, that no one will ever love someone like you love that person. how do you know? you think you can't survive without them- you can't eat, you can't sleep, you can't breathe. you think life is meaningless unless they're by your side. you think they've changed you forever, and you can never be what you were again. you think the sun only rises in their eyes, and only sets with their smile. nothing else matters. IS THAT LOVE?

Thursday, March 27, 2008

What A Difference A Friend Makes

there are a few friends i need to take this opportunity to thank. you guys are the best. you are my family. and right now, you are my hope.

bubbles- you are the one who will always tell me i deserve better. you always tell me that i'm beautiful, and that i can be more than i give myself credit for. thank you, love. i'm starting to believe it.

gothboy- i don't know how you do it, but somehow, you manage to calm me down through the craziest shit... you make so much sense sometimes it scares me. :-P and even when you have no advice to give, you listen to all my drama without complaint, and your very presence makes me feel better... you are my brother, my friend, and thank you so much for being there.

gumby- you make me smile! you can get me to do goofy shit i would never do for another photographer. you cheer me up. and you make me look and feel beautiful. you enabled my spring break adventure, and thank you so much for that. i can't wait to see you again.

kevin- even though your apartment is like 40 degrees ( :-P ) you don't even know how much i appreciate you letting me stay with you, showing me around the city, and letting me be a part of your art. when you can take my fucked up life and make something beautiful out of it... you are more ridiculously talented than you know. thank you for being a friend. i'll have to run away to cleveland again sometime when it's warm.

raelyn- while you were in town, you gave me some of the best advice i could ever have hoped for- "just pick up the pencil." you were right. and living by that rule has made the last month infinitely more bearable than it otherwise would have been. your funny faces and your scritchies make me smile, and i miss them dearly, but i hope you're happy in california. (i'm jealous! :-P ) thank you for everything.

kenken- for a year and a half now, you have been like my sister. and no matter how far apart we may be, or how crazy our lives become, i know you're one person i can always count on- nothing is going to change between us. i mean, we text for hours on end every day about absolutely nothing, lol. i wish you were back in columbus, honey. i miss you.

rac- my sister. my crazy little cheerleader of a sister... and my best friend. what can i say about you? since the day you were born, you and i have been in it together. from beth's crazy shit to trips to florida, from mom and grandma's jig in the rain to boys and friends and high school. you're the only one who's been through it all with me. and even though i'm on the other side of town now, you and i both know we could call up the other one in need, and in a heartbeat, we would be there... that's the beauty of sisters, i guess. thank you for being amazing, rachel. i don't know what i would do without you.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Real

this is me. this is me undressed, unprotected, unafraid. this is me with nothing to hide. this is me, vulnerable. this is me knowing it's okay to dream. this is me flirting shamelessly. this is me as the goddess intended. this is me not worried about stupid shit. this is me, innocent for a moment. this is me praying i would never have to go back to the real world. this is me as more than a whore, a toy, a good fuck. this is me- the real me. this is me as only a friend can show me. this is me, without anyone to hold me at night. this is me, crazy. this is me, knowing that it's okay. this is me, wishing god actually answered prayers. this is me, wondering if i'll ever be worth anything to anyone. this is me, hurt, scarred, flawed. this is me, dying inside. this is me, embracing what is truly me. this is me, not hiding, not faking it. this is me, stripped of all pretense. this is me, REAL.


(photo by SPRINGHEEL. <3 )

The Song Of My Life

here i lie
staring at
clouds in shapes of
dogs and cats
i hear a woman
start to yell
"oh dear god
i think he fell"

i'm the arrow
shot straight to hell
from the bow of
william tell
my body lies
kissing the ground
like a cross
turned upside down

a priest is rushing
to my side
begins to read me
my last rites
'father, you're too late
my faith is weak
so won't you save your
half-hearted speech?'

i'm the arrow
shot straight to hell
from the bow of
william tell
my body lies
kissing the ground
like a cross
turned upside down

a man bends down and says, "son-
we're gonna get through this one.
take my hand and let us pray."
i scream, 'please get the fuck away!'

i'm the arrow
shot straight to hell
from the bow of
william tell
my body lies
kissing the ground
like a cross
turned upside down

the ambulance is singing
as cops push back the crowd
i start to take my last breath
as blood pours out of my mouth
the medics step in my way
i think this could be it
i hear them start to state-
"the time of death is half-past six..."

i'm the arrow
shot straight to hell
i'm the arrow
shot straight to hell



-Senses Fail
'The Priest And The Matador'

What Do You Do When...

... the man you love brings the underage girl he cheated on you with to your house?

he says it's to show me that nothing is going on between them, that he's being honest now, that it's okay...
why do i still have nightmare images of them fucking in my bed on repeat in my head?
he says i should get to know her, that she wants to be my friend.
how the fuck can you be friends with the girl that talked your lover into leaving you 4 fucking times?
he says it'll be good for us.
i think it would be really good for us if she fell off the face of the planet.

any advice, folks?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

i hate

i hate it when people say they'll be right back, then 2 hours later there's still no sign of them.
i hate writers block.
i hate people who bail on you when they know you need them most.
i hate being lonely.
i hate being lied to.
i hate being cheated on.
i hate waiting for something i know isn't coming.
i hate being stabbed in the back.
i hate wondering what might happen.

Monday, March 24, 2008

A Triumphant Return

i had my adventure. i ran away. and ya know what- i feel better.
whatever is wrong with me won't keep me from living my life.
it won't hold me back.
i took a bus from columbus to dayton, then dayton to toledo.
i crashed with a friend and drank whiskey and wine on st. patricks day.
i did a photo shoot in a freezing cold studio and an abandoned highway that looked rather like a scene from Law & Order SVU.
i posed nude with a gumby doll at 1 am.
i watched dozens of awesome movies, and laughed with a friend.
i took another bus to cleveland, and gave a bum a cigarette.
i saw a city i'd never seen before.
i played "ho or no" in the ghetto.
i posed in the projection of an eclipse.
i made art out of my problems.
i got covered with henna at midnight, and finished shooting at 2:30.
i bought a teeshirt reading "psych ward" with a number.
i ate at a pizza buffet.
i took another bus home, and made it in time for my roommate's birthday party.
i'm gonna have to do this again when it's warmer.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

This Is What I Get For Believing

i thought you'd see it as a step forward, as progress.
i thought you'd see it as a good thing.
my mistake.
i thought things wouldn't have to change.
i thought you'd stick around.
wishful thinking.
i thought i was doing the right thing.
i thought you had the right to know.
i should've kept my damn mouth shut.
this is what i get for believing.

There Are Names...

Ivy- the sad one

Alina- the frustrated one

Nora- the mother

Casey- the little girl

Mercury/ Slyhe- the nympho

Jonathan- the little boy

Pixie- the happy punk

Lydia- the anarchist

Chloe- the bitch




WHO AM I NOW?
am i all of them?
am i none?
am i anyone at all?
and which one is me?
is there really a me?
or am i just pieces?
am i the one that hurts others?
or the one that hurts herself?
do i even have a name?
or am i just...
no one?

Friday, March 14, 2008

What The Hell Is Wrong With Me?

DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER- a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental illness in which a single person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment.[1] The diagnosis requires that at least two personalities routinely take control of the individual's behavior with an associated memory loss that goes beyond normal forgetfulness; in addition, symptoms can not be due to substance abuse or medical condition. Earlier versions of the DSM named the condition multiple personality disorder (MPD) and the term is still used by the ICD-10. The condition is controversial, in its existence, possible causes, appearance across cultures and epidemiology.

CLINICAL DEPRESSION- a common psychiatric disorder, characterized by a pervasive low mood, loss of interest in usual activities and diminished ability to experience pleasure. Although the term "depression" is commonly used to describe a temporary depressed mood when one "feels blue", clinical depression is a serious and often disabling condition that can significantly affect a person's work, family and school life, sleeping and eating habits, general health and ability to enjoy life.[1] The course of clinical depression varies widely: depression can be a once in a life-time event or have multiple recurrences, it can appear either gradually or suddenly, and either last for a few months or be a life-long disorder. Having depression is a major risk factor for suicide; in addition, people with depression suffer from higher mortality from other causes.[2]

BIPOLAR DISORDER- is not a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood, clinically referred to as mania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes which present with features of both mania and depression. These episodes are normally separated by periods of normal mood, but in some patients, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II and cyclothymia based on the type and severity of mood episodes experienced.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER- a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a long-term disturbance of personality function. It is one of four related diagnoses classified as cluster B ("dramatic-erratic") personality disorders typified by disturbance in impulse control and emotional dysregulation, the others being narcissistic-, histrionic- and antisocial personality disorders. Disturbances suffered by those with borderline personality disorder are wide-ranging. The general profile of the disorder typically includes a pervasive instability in mood, extreme "black and white" thinking, or "splitting", chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior, as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.[2] These disturbances have a pervasive negative impact on many or all of the psychosocial facets of life. This includes the ability to maintain relationships in work, home, and social settings. Common comorbid conditions are "Axis I" disorders such as substance abuse, depression and other mood disorders. Attempted suicide and completed suicide are possible outcomes without proper care and effective therapy.[3] Onset of symptoms typically occurs during adolescence or young adulthood, which persist for about a decade; while this period can be trying on the patient, their support system and their therapists, the majority of cases lessen in severity over time.[3] The most consistent finding in the search for causation in the disorder is a history of childhood trauma, although some researchers have suggested a genetic predisposition. Neurobiological research has highlighted some abnormalities in serotonin metabolism. The incidence has been calculated as 2% of the population,[4] with women three times more likely to suffer the disorder.



I've been tested for all 4. I've been classified as positive for all 4.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Women I Admire



GIRL NEXT DOOR & IN HIS LIKENESS- Convent Studios, February CAC Group Shoot






15 More Secrets

1. i would give anything for him to just call right now.
2. i'm starting to see the subtle differences between my alters... and it scares me.
3. i can't help wondering if anyone actually gives a shit.
4. it's sunny out, but to me, it's still so gray...
5. slowly but surely, things are starting to matter less and less.
6. if i could break something right now, i definitely would.
7. i'm really very tempted to burn all his things, but then i know he wouldn't come back.
8. i only get out of bed to smoke and take care of my bunny. that's all i have the motivation to do right now.
9. i fucking hate my body. no matter what people say, i think i'm fucking hideous.
10. i tried to take a walk this morning. i didn't even make it a full block before i had to turn around and come home. i just couldn't deal with being out yet.
11. i really think i will die in a car crash. i will not be driving.
12. i went to xenos because it got me out of my dad's house every sunday night and i got to smoke there.
13. i haven't been able to write anything decent since i found out what's wrong with me.
14. i hate my name. always have. i think it's boring. (and i don't really care that i'm named after 2 great grandmothers i don't even remember.)
15. i think most of the published poetry i've read really sucks.

Is It So Much To Ask...

is it so much to ask that someone miss me half as much as i miss them?
is it so much to ask for someone to love me?
is it so much to ask for a friend that actually cares?
is it so much to ask that i be normal?
is it so much to ask that people return phone calls and respond to texts?
is it so much to ask that someone call just to ask how i am, not to bitch about their day, once in a while?
is it so much to ask for halfway decent weather?
is it so much to ask for someone to mean it when they kiss me?
is it so much to ask for someone to actually give a shit whether i live or die?
is it so much to ask that i don't have to lie?
is it so much to ask for someone to be honest with me?
is it so much to ask for a little support?
is it so much to ask for people to acknowledge that i exist?

Easy Enough

ignore the texts. don't answer the phone. don't read the emails.
don't miss me. don't want me. don't call me. don't see me.
seems easy enough, doesn't it?

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Another Night

another night alone.
another night pretending i don't miss him.
another night faking a smile and saying i'm okay.
another night not knowing who i am or what's real.
another night without a dawn to follow.
another night of chain-smoking, hoping the nicotine will numb the pain.
another night of silently crying myself to sleep, hoping the others don't hear.
another night wondering if it's all a bad dream.
another night i can't eat, can't sleep, can't think straight, can't see straight, can't feel anything but hurt.
another night writing letters no one will ever read, playing songs no one will ever hear.
another night of lying.
another night wondering if he misses me half as much as i miss him.
another night wondering if this is how it'll end.
another night dreaming of things that will never happen.
another night wishing on stars i can't see.
another night waking in the darkness, reaching for a hand to hold, but there's no one.
another night spent wondering if i'm crazy.
another night knowing it's probably true.
another night hoping he doesn't fall in love with someone else.
another night wishing someone would fuck me so hard i couldn't feel anymore.
another night pretending i'm normal, and hating myself because i can't be.
another night knowing no one loves me, and no one ever will.
another night wasting away because i cried so hard i made myself sick.
another night thinking of all the ways and reasons to end it, and knowing i'm not strong enough to actually do it.
another night praying to a god i can barely believe in anymore.
another night without stars.
another night without him.

Friday, March 7, 2008

You Know You're Sex-Starved When...

masturbation really has lost it's fun.
the batteries of your vibrator die.
you spend 3 days straight talking to your ex's best friend (who is also your best friend, who is also dating one of your best friends) about sex in great detail.
your search history constantly reads 'porn'.
everything's a tease.
victoria's secret catalogues are like playboy all of a sudden.
you start to forget what an orgasm feels like.
you don't bother wearing sexy underwear anymore.
your fantasies start to seem more real than the last time you actually had sex.

SHADOWS- Eric Paul Owens November CAC Group Shoot




10 More Secrets

1. i finally lived out that rape fantasy i mentioned. he broke it off that night.
2. i really don't care about my neighbor's sick kid. (why would you move a child that's allergic to cigarette smoke into a college neighborhood that allows smoking in their lease?)
3. he's the best thing and the worst thing that's ever happened to me, all rolled into one.
4. when people ask me if i've been eating, i lie.
5. i didn't really mean it when i said i hadn't thought about fucking other people. (what did he expect?! he left!)
6. i don't really want to know what's wrong with me. i haven't read a single thing my shrink gave me about it. i'm too scared.
7. i'm thinking seriously of running away and never coming back.
8. i still wish on every star for him.
9. i pretend to be some bad-ass when i'm most scared.
10. i still haven't told my sister or my cousin what's wrong with me.

Ex Girlfriend- Donablo Studios October CAC Group Shoot




Hang Up

fine
hang up
turn the phone off
pretend i don't exist
it's nothing new
not to you
not to me
not this time
when will you grow up
grow a pair
face your problems
instead of running away?
you're a child
in a scenester boy's body
and i hate you for it
so go on
hang up
turn the phone off
cuz you don't want to hear my voice
this isn't the first time
and it won't be the last
just wish you had the balls to tell me
instead of
playing games
no one can win
so go on
hang up
tell yourself it's over
and i hope you can live with yourself
when it is.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

What's Left

what's left of me
bleeds
for what's left of us
which isn't much
but it's enough
to mourn
you really can't
go home again
i learned that the hard way
you taught me well
well, night has fallen
not a star in sight
i fall to my knees
and fall apart
there is nothing here
there is nothing here
but me

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Not That Anyone Cares

it's a bad combination-
easy to take advantage of,
and impossible to love.
i hear i'm a good fuck
but does anyone ever want
MORE
than just the sex?
does anyone ever care
to look deeper
or know me better?
does anyone want
anything
to do with me
but fuck and run?
you said you loved me
said you still do
said you cared
said you want to be there for me
yet here i am
crying
bleeding
screaming
and waiting for a day
that will never come.
it's so easy
to think of me
as a piece of ass
as easy
but
you're
wrong.
there's so much more to me
than the best orgasm
you'll never have again.
there's so much more
than the scarred body
people seem to like so much.
there's more
than a good fuck.
there's a good heart.
not that anyone cares
to see it.

No Warning

You didn't say it would hurt this bad
That first night you kissed me
You didn't warn me
Darling, I did try so hard
I tried to tell you
I would only hurt you
But when did this crash and burn?
When did we fall so hard?

Day by day, and night by night
We fell in love
Then fell apart
Another fuck, another fight
But I couldn't let go of you
Couldn't stop loving you
But you could cast me aside
Why did you say good-bye?

Another call you didn't answer
Another promise I wish you could keep
Not that I blame you
I couldn't hate you
No matter how hard I try
I don't want this to be good-bye

Day by day, and night by night
We fell in love
Then fell apart
Another fuck, another fight
But I couldn't let go of you
Couldn't stop loving you
But you could cast me aside
Why did you say good-bye?

You didn't say there were conditions
When you first said you loved me
When you first took hold of me
I tried so hard to tell you, baby
I loved you so damn much
Still love you so damn much
Baby, please tell me you love me too
I can't say good-bye to you

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

SPRINGHEEL- December CAC Shoot








Never Have I Ever

never have i ever wanted to burn shit to the ground.
never have i ever had an orgasm from fighting with someone.
never have i ever chucked my phone across the room.
never have i ever drank alone at 2 am on a tuesday.
never have i ever escaped into a book, and hoped i wouldn't come back out.
never have i ever smoked a pack of cigarettes over night.
never have i ever felt used.
never have i ever been too scared to do something simple.
never have i ever told someone something that was none of their business, just cuz no one else cared enough to listen.
never have i ever quit my job before lining up a new one.
never have i ever been so hurt i can't do anything but cry.

Monday, March 3, 2008

BROKEN

xxxxx i don't know what to do anymore xxxxx when it all falls DARK xxxxx it all falls xxxx silent xxxx gets so COLD xxxx so cold x so dark x so quiet x like nothing is left xxx ALIVE xxx like nothing is left xxx at all xxx like there's NOTHING xxx but the COLD and the DARKNESS and the SILENCE xxx there's NOTHING left xxx but your screaming xxx echoes in shadow xxx all the things you said xxx NOTHING xxx but a memory xxx and the tears that still burn in my eyes xxx i cry for you xxx i always cry for you xxx and i wonder xxx do YOU cry for ME ????? xxx do you even know how to CRY? xxx do you even know how to FEEL? xxx you say you LOVE ME xxx but it just HURTS too fucking much xxx you say you LOVE ME xxx but i need to get BETTER before you can be with me xxx and yet here you are xxx screaming xxx lying xxx breaking promises xxx just like before xxx just like before xxx when you were mine xxx when you loved me xxx when we could be together xxx screaming xxx fighting xxx lying xxx just like before xxx promises shattered xxx like glass on the floor xxx they keep cutting me xxx deeper xxx and deeper xxx and DEEPER xxx till nothing matters xxx but the fact that i'm bleeding xxx till the screams don't matter xxx the lies don't matter xxx the fights don't matter xxx i don't matter xxx only the COLD xxx only the DARKNESS xxx only the SILENCE xxx as they fall on me xxx they fall xxx like some sort of blessing xxx some sort of ESCAPE xxx they fall like STARS xxx but i can't even wish anymore xxx i can't even whisper xxx no voice left xxx nothing xxx NOTHING xxx just your eyes xxx just your voice xxx just your touch xxx but i'm too dead to feel xxx too DEAD to wish xxx too DEAD to pray xxx it's too late xxx too late to say i love you xxx too late to tell you xxx that i'm sorry xxx that i would TAKE IT BACK if i could xxx too late to make promises xxx too late for tomorrow xxx and i'm sorry xxx i'm sorry there's nothing left of me to love xxx i'm sorry there's nothing here for you xxx i gave you everything already xxx gave you all i had xxx and more xxx but it doesn't matter xxx i don't matter xxx i'm nothing xxx NOTHING xxx but the COLD xxx but the DARK xxx but the SILENCE xxx i am NOTHING xxx not tonight xxx not to you xxx i would pray for salvation xxx but god doesn't listen xxx to people like me xxx god doesn't care xxx because he knows he won't be seeing me xxx so i don't pray xxx i can't xxx i don't wish xxx i can't xxx i just wait xxx wait for the darkness xxx to become complete xxx and take away EVERYTHING i ever knew or loved xxx i wait for the SILENCE to mute the music xxx i wait for the cold xxx to swallow what's left xxx it isn't much xxx but it's all i have xxx i wait for the dawn xxx so i can say goodbye xxx so i can see it xxx one last time xxx i wait for something xxx to tell me otherwise xxx to hold me back xxx but it's not coming xxx i scream into the silence xxx just to break it xxx so it's JUST LIKE ME xxx broken.

Physical Penance

never guessed that i would end up/ a girl who gambles with her body/ i'm not your doll, your plaything/ though for a price, i might consider//

i wouldn't be surprised-/ if you put your dipstick somewhere new/ wouldn't be surprised-/ if you told them things that just weren't true/ surprised-/ if you wanted to be anywhere but on your back/ i'm surprised that i can make 'em sweat/ that's the last thing i'd expected//

and every time you kissed me/ well, it tasted just like arsenic/ to me/ yeah, it makes me sick/ gotta get the poison outta me//

slide your fingers inside/ and tell me you love me/ pull my hair/ and tell me you hate me/ break me down/ it wouldn't surprise me-/ now//

i wouldn't be surprised-/ if my outfit matches your bedroom floor/ wouldn't be surprised-/ if lingerie was the new denim/ surprised-/ if the leather didn't leave welts/ but i'm not complaining/ i'm surprised-/ that i'm the object of your teenage fantasizing//

well, if you'd like, i'll say your name/ i'll scream it out loud/ when you touch me/ you can hurt me if you want to/ you can make me feel so worthless/ now i lay me down to sleep/ i feel like shit; i'm in too deep/ and i will cry until i wake/ 'cuz mine is the only heart i break//

wouldn't be surprised-/ if that was all you saw in me/ wouldn't be surprised-/ if you'd made up some great stories/ surprised-/ if you're not still in that mood that makes you want to screw me//

well, everytime you touched me/ it felt like a bullet to the heart/ and we haven't changed/ we're right back where we started from//

i wouldn't be surprised-/ if you didn't even know my name/ wouldn't be surprised-/ if you hadn't heard a word i said/ surprised-/ if you knew there was more to me than just flirtation/ i'm surprised-/ i fell into this shit/ after i swore i never would/ oh no/ i've given in again.//

Red Rum

Who would expect it from the ice cream girl?
Sugar, oh, sugar. Where are ya goin'?
Who'd think she was the mother of angels?
Sweet baby in the short skirt
Oh my lord...
Who woulda guessed she wasn't for sale?
Blow kisses, honey-
It turns 'em on
Who coulda known she'd kill herself?

Red Rum, Red Rum
Sweetest liquor of 'em all
Taste it on your lips, lover
Taste it on your tongue
Grape vine, red wine
Take another sip
Light a candle for your angel
'Cuz baby's gone away

Who would expect it from a pretty girl?
Polaroids tell a story her words could never tell
Who'd think the summer would turn so cold?
Little girl from the high school, oh, what a shame
Who woulda guessed death came from the inside out?
Her soul had gone before her wrists were slashed
Who coulda known she'd bleed so fast?

Red Rum, Red Rum
Sweetest liquor of 'em all
Taste it on your lips, lover
Taste it on your tongue
Grape vine, red wine
Take another sip
Light a candle for your angel
'Cuz baby's gone away

Never saw it coming, honey
Never knew you hurt so bad
Never heard you screamin', sweetie
Never saw you cry
Never thought you were the type
Never thought at all
Never wondered if you were alright
Now six-feet-under's too far to fall

Red Rum, Red Rum
Sweetest liquor of 'em all
Taste it on your lips, lover
Taste it on your tongue
Grape vine, red wine
Take another sip
Light a candle for your angel
'Cuz baby's gone away

Who would expect it from that little girl?
She always put on a happy face
Who'd think it was killing her inside?
She never let on, never said a word
Who woulda guessed the end was coming?
'See ya on Monday' she told me last night
Who coulda known it was goodbye?

She's a red rum angel
Got a red rum baby
She's a suicide honey
Says, 'I love you, sweetie'
She's a tearstained darlin'
Sorta tragically lovely
She's a red rum angel
She's a suicide honey

Who would expect it from the ice cream girl?...
Who coulda known
Who coulda known
It was goodbye?...
Never saw it coming...
Never saw it coming...

Who Knew...

... that finding a psychiatrist would be so hard?
i mean, first you have to find out who's on your insurance.
then, you have to get your psychologist to recommend some.
then, you have to find some you can actually get to (god bless public transportation)
the internet is absolutely useless trying to figure out who is experienced with what
and the office hours completely conflict with your schedule.
what do you do?

OUIJA- Alan Klem February CAC Shoot





When It All Goes Quiet

sometimes it's like the world goes quiet.
for a moment.
just a moment.
like everything goes silent.
goes dead.
just for a moment.
like you're the only thing left standing in the silence.
like underwater.
like a dream.
and when it all goes quiet
i don't feel
real.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

50 Real Secrets

1. it makes me nervous when people say i'm pretty.
2. i'm almost as scared of getting better as i am of being fucked up.
3. i think you're lying.
4. i really wish i liked video games. maybe then we'd have something to talk about.
5. i'd be a vegetarian, but i really hate vegetables.
6. i'd much rather hold hands than fuck.
7. honestly, i don't think i matter.
8. borat imitations make me violently angry.
9. i miss being held.
10. i don't really want to finish college. i just want to open my cafe and write.

11. every time you text me or call, it makes my day.
12. i can't fucking stand ignorant people. if you're closed-minded, prejudiced, judgmental, or just plain stupid, stay the hell away from me, cuz i'd really rather not have to stab you.
13. i'm horribly allergic to marijuana.
14. i still wait up for calls i know aren't coming.
15. i'd rather have chocolate covered strawberries than a vibrator.
16. sometimes i lie and say i know bands and books and references when i don't.
17. i smoke a pack of marlboro reds a day, and i don't intend to quit any time soon.
18. i'm seriously considering getting a boob-job.
19. i think my scars are ugly.
20. i haven't seen most classic movies. (the godfather, casablanca, breakfast at tiffany's, etc.)

21. i think asian girls are hot.
22. i watch G4 even when morgan's not around.
23. the show 'Cheaters' made me cry once.
24. one of my personalities is a compulsive eater. another one is anorexic.
25. i could never be attracted to a "body builder" type guy.
26. my ears ring when i'm getting depressed.
27. i hate wearing a bathing suit.
28. i kiss girls. no, really. i do.
29. part of me doesn't want to change.
30. there's no single person that knows everything about me. that includes myself.

31. i'm craving a cigarette as we speak.
32. i can't listen to the songs we used to play without crying.
33. i wish i could play an instrument, but i'm too lazy to learn.
34. i feel lonely even with all my friends around me.
35. i feel guilty when i spend money on myself.
36. i'm absolutely terrified of heights, only because my dad is.
37. he will always be my everything.
38. the taste of raspberries makes me violently ill.
39. i forgot how to ride a bike.
40. i always thought i knew who i was. i was wrong.

41. i sleep with the lights on when i'm alone.
42. it makes me sad when i get online and no one's said anything to me.
43. i hate going out by myself.
44. underwear annoys me.
45. sometimes i tell people i'm okay even though i'm thinking of killing myself.
46. i'm tired of faking it.
47. i spend more time dreaming about the way things were than i do thinking about the way things could be.
48. i almost never listen to my own advice.
49. i let him use me when i knew better than to think he could love me again.
50. my bunny makes me happier than almost anyone on earth.