Friday, February 29, 2008

Ya Live, Ya Learn

what did i learn, you may ask?- do not sleep with someone unless you know for certain it means the same thing to both of you.
i didn't think sex meant we were back together. far from it. but i thought we were a little more than fuck-buddies. my mistake.
i thought he respected me more than that. i thought he cared about me more than that. i thought he might still love me more than that. but i was wrong. that night, i was nothing but a good fuck.
we both made mistakes. we both fucked up, it so many ways. i just wish we could take it all back. every time i realize we can't... it makes me wanna cry.
he said he was sorry. he said he should've been thinking. he said he still loved me, and that what we shared was amazing. he said he just wasn't ready to be any more than friends with me yet.
why do i still feel so used?

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Visions Of Excess- February CAC Shoot





Is It Wrong?

is it wrong that i still can't watch other girls flirt with him? is it wrong that i still get mad when he's with her? is it wrong that i want so badly to make him jealous? is it wrong that my initial reaction is to fuck anyone with a pulse? is it wrong that i want to go crazy and break every rule he ever gave me? is it wrong that i want to pose for nude photos and make a solo-girl porn (cuz i know that's what he's into)? is it wrong that i would fuck his best friend if he weren't with my best friend? is it wrong that masturbation just doesn't cut it anymore? is it wrong that i still think about him when i wank? is it wrong that i want to post a craigslist ad and find a master, just to live out a crazy rape fantasy he doesn't know i have? is it wrong that i want to drink till i can't see straight? is it wrong that i'm furious when his exes still call the wrong number and end up talking to me trying to get ahold of him? is it wrong that i told a few white lies? is it wrong that i still can't wake up in my empty bed without crying? is it wrong that i pick fights with him over absolutely nothing, and i can't fucking stop it? is it wrong that i want to fuck up the girls that keep calling? is it wrong that i wish he'd get mad, just to see some kind of emotion? is it wrong that it still hurts that fucking bad?

Have You Ever...?

have you ever HEARD THINGS that aren't there, or SEEN THINGS you know can't be REAL? have you ever GOTTEN LOST in your THOUGHTS and you just CAN'T find your way BACK OUT? have you ever said SOMETHING then immediately REGRETTED it? have you ever LOVED someone completely, and HATED them so much at the same time? have you ever READ something, and as soon as you're finished, you can't REMEMBER what you just read? have you ever FORGOTTEN to eat, to sleep, to go to work or class? have you ever looked in the MIRROR and not RECOGNIZED yourself? have you ever DREAMED things, and woken up to find out THEY WERE REAL? have you ever been CONFUSED about WHO YOU ARE? have you ever QUESTIONED everything you've ever known to be TRUE? have you ever BROKEN DOWN?

Art Hommage, with Justin PC


I Will Fade Tonight

i didn't realize
i was
bleeding
till i saw red teardrops
hit the floor
and i didn't realize
i was
screaming
till you asked me
why i'd locked the door

and is there anything
left to fight over?
is there anything
left to say?
tell me you love me
tell me you hate me
tell me anything
but "you'll be okay"
and is there anything
left to hold onto
or have we let all the good parts go?
tell me you love me
tell me you hate me
which one's true?
i'll probably never know
i didn't want to say goodbye
but you can see it as i cry
there's nothing else that i can say
i'm sorry, love. it was the only way
so darling, i will fade
tonight

i didn't know
that you would cry
you always seemed
so in-control
and i didn't know
that you and i
could someday have been
something more

you tell me
you believed
in us
you tell me
tomorrow will come
but it's to late
for me to change
so say goodbye
and walk away

and is there anything
left to fight over?
is there anything
left to say?
tell me you love me
tell me you hate me
tell me anything
but "you'll be okay"
and is there anything
left to hold onto
or have we let all the good parts go?
tell me you love me
tell me you hate me
which one's true?
i'll probably never know
i didn't want to say goodbye
but you can see it as i cry
there's nothing else that i can say
i'm sorry, love. it was the only way
so darling, i will fade
tonight

i didn't know
how to stop it
once i started
i could only pray
that you would come
and save me
but you won't
you're so far away

and this cut's too deep
to slow down now
so i just wait it out
the darkness comes
and covers me
i just wish
i had a chance
to say goodbye now

and is there anything
left to fight over?
is there anything
left to say?
tell me you love me
tell me you hate me
tell me anything
but "you'll be okay"
and is there anything
left to hold onto
or have we let all the good parts go?
tell me you love me
tell me you hate me
which one's true?
i'll probably never know
i didn't want to say goodbye
but you can see it as i cry
there's nothing else that i can say
i'm sorry, love. it was the only way
so darling, i will fade
tonight

Dead To You

slit your wrists to break a promise
seal it with a goodbye kiss
it doesn't mean shit
no, it doesn't mean shit
and that's all i was to you
slit your wrists to break a promise
is all you saw in me just this?
it doesn't mean shit
no, it doesn't mean shit
now, as i turn blue

another night
another lie
another fight
a last goodbye
and in your eyes
a blinding light
the tears you cry
"don't say goodbye"
you're too late
you're too late
you're too late

tie a noose, nothing to lose
i'm so tired of begging you
cuz it don't mean shit
no, it don't mean shit
not after all you put me through
tie a noose, nothing to lose
cuz i'm so tired of breathing for you
cuz it don't mean shit
no, it don't mean shit
it's over now, this is all i can do

another night
another lie
another fight
a last goodbye
and in your eyes
a blinding light
the tears you cry
"don't say goodbye"
you're too late
you're too late
you're too late

am i dead to you yet?
am i dead now?
am i dead to you yet?
is it over?
am i dead to you yet?
am i breathing?
am i dead to you yet?
i'm still bleeding...

another night
another lie
another fight
a last goodbye
and in your eyes
a blinding light
the tears you cry
"don't say goodbye"
you're too late
you're too late
you're too late

Monday, February 25, 2008

Ha!r Shoot!














































































































The Reality Of Drowning

Sometimes, the things we're sure of are the things most bound to fall apart. We cling to our certainty like a life-raft, but it deflates in our hands and we drown in our desperate doubt. We choke on the idea that the things we knew, we didn't really know at all. It kills us to realize, we're not as infallible as we'd hoped. We don't have it all under control. The God inside each of us struggles to get out, to put his omnipotence to use. But he is mortal now, just like we are. Uncertainty may devour him as easily as it may any of us. It seizes us, drawing-and-quartering or metaphorical bodies. It eats us alive, drives us mad with all the chaotic dissatisfaction buzzing in our heads like the flies of Hell. We are our own doubt's greatest weapon; the fear fuels the fire, builds mountains out of grains of sand. We burn with the urge to know, be sure, have proof. The truth is something we'd gladly die for.

We cannot accept our own limitations. Humans see with human eyes, experience human life, and no more. We can't have all the answers. Our species is a young one, merely freshmen in this universe. Yet we wish to command it, to hold its secrets in our hands like Play-Doh, malleable to our needs and desires. We cannot- will not- admit to the boundaries of our own mortality. When doubt comes upon us with her eyes full of possibilities, we shun her, instead of taking the risk and learning from her. We prefer to be blissful in our ignorance and feel "in control," though the depths of our hearts know better; it is all illusion. We cannot handle the simple fact- we're not gods. There are mysteries beyond our control and our capacity to understand. We will never hold all the secrets; at least, not in this life.

So we continue to reject that which might save us- the acceptance that we cannot know, be sure, have proof. We refuse to place ourselves in the hand of fate, and clutch to our sinking life-preserver. Doubt kills us, when all she desires is to open us to the possibilities, perhaps even the realities. Her vampire nature gets the better of her, and she consumes us, sucks us dry. Too many questions, too many painful inquiries, until we doubt our very existence- mightn't this all be a dream? No, no- we're quite certain our lives have not all been mere imagination. But what of all we've believed? What of Jesus? What of the Mother Goddess? What of true love so perfect it feels like a fairy tale? Were those all illusions?

The doubt weighs on us like concrete shoes. We sink, slowly, into a horrid darkness, with nothing but those doubts to keep us company as we drown. We fear that water, black and cold, but we fear the surface just as much. What else might we have been wrong about?... All those things we'd thought, or been afraid to think... Echoes of unfaithful lovers and treacherous friends ring in our ears as we sink still further. And what of us? We doubted our appearances, our abilities, our self-worth... Maybe we were wrong to convince ourselves otherwise. We are drawn still deeper into that wet Hell, until the surface has disappeared entirely. Black water fills our lungs- we cease to struggle, cease to breathe- and our last dying thought- "Is this even real?"

You Can Eat Your Heart Out

well you can eat your heart out.
you can eat your heart out.
and I hope you fucking choke
on all the pieces.
yeah, chew me up and spit me out.
pretend I never happened.
tear me apart. Yeah, hurt me-
once again.

wish you wouldn't whisper promises
when i knew you never meant to keep them
wish you wouldn't lie to me
while you're making love to me
wish you wouldn't take back everything
now you've got what you came for
wish you weren't so fucking perfect
so i could hate you all the more.
you can eat your heart out...
i hope it's poisoned.

well, you can stare and wonder
what it would be like if you'd never left
you can stare and know you had that
maybe it'll give you some satisfaction
you can stare and think
that maybe you can do better
well, i hope she's pretty, i hope she's sweet
i hope it kills you that you left me
oh god-

you can eat your heart out
you can eat your fucking heart out
you can pray that when you're ready
things will go back to how they were before
you can try to remember
what it felt like when you touched me
and i hope it fucking kills you
that you never will again.

wish you wouldn't whisper promises
when i knew you never meant to keep them
wish you wouldn't lie to me
while you're making love to me
wish you wouldn't take back everything
now you've got what you came for
wish you weren't so fucking perfect
so i could hate you all the more.
you can eat your heart out...
i hope it's poisoned.

you didn't have to lie....
you didn't have to die for me.
you didn't have to cry....
didn't have to say good-bye.
you didn't have to change....
you didn't have to go away.
and now it's much too late...
i think i've lost you once again...

well you can eat your heart out.
you can eat your heart out.
and I hope you fucking choke
on all the pieces.
yeah, chew me up and spit me out.
pretend I never happened.
tear me apart. Yeah, hurt me-
once again.

you can eat your heart out
you can eat your fucking heart out
you can pray that when you're ready
things will go back to how they were before
you can try to remember
what it felt like when you touched me
and i hope it fucking kills you
that you never will again.

wish you wouldn't whisper promises
when i knew you never meant to keep them
wish you wouldn't lie to me
while you're making love to me
wish you wouldn't take back everything
now you've got what you came for
wish you weren't so fucking perfect
so i could hate you all the more.
you can eat your heart out...
i hope it's poisoned.

We Die Inside

People like us
Cry harder
Laugh louder
Dance crazier
Scream shriller
Punch harder
Cut deeper
Smile bigger
Fight harder
Fuck harder
Love more
Hate more
Than anyone else alive.
We can't bare the thought of being tied down
So we long for that one true love that will set us free
And every time it slips from our fingers
We die inside
A little bit more
We wish for things most people can't even dream of
We believe in it
We fight for it
And every time it fails us
We die inside
A little bit more
We start to think
Maybe
Tomorrow will never come
We start to believe the sun won't rise
And we're stuck sleeping alone
And we die inside
Just a little bit more
People ask us-
Isn't there anything worth fighting for?
We try to answer
Try so hard to explain it
But they can't possibly understand.
'It's all worth fighting for,' we tell them
'But don't you see?
There's no fight left in me.
It's over.'
You wonder why it ended that way
And that last little piece of you
Dies.
People like us
Don't sleep
Don't eat
Can't think
Can't breathe
We live for love
And that is our fatal flaw.

They Tell Me

They tell me to live for the moment
But if this moment is spent in hell
Why go on to the next one?
They tell me to live for now
And just be happy
But how can I
When there's nobody who will love me?
Not like you did
They tell me it'll be okay
But how can life go on
When I'm already dead inside?
They tell me just to fuck somebody else
But I'll never make love again
They tell me the pain will go away
But I only see one way
To let go of you
Is that the only way to forget?
They tell me you're not worth it
But you are
You always have been
They tell me to hold on
But what is there to hold onto?
I don't want to hurt anymore
They tell me tomorrow will come
And be better
But what if I don't want it to come at all?

The Revolt

Fermenting in her heart
Was a bitter revolution
Tearing at the flesh
Was a silent scream of hushed desire
She could feel it rise within her
Like vomit in her throat
RELEASE ME cried the beast
LET ME RIP THIS WORLD APART

The war began inside her
As the gunfire pounds her soul
This monster is her weapon
Too terrible to let go
The tears burned in her dark eyes
And stung, rolling down her skin
Retaining all the anger
Is killing her, destroying her

LET ME HAVE YOUR ENEMIES
The awful creature howled
LET ME TAKE YOUR PAIN, MY LOVE
LET ME TAKE YOUR SORROW
Temptation is ever burning
And bitter is the taste
She let loose that sweetest vengeance
Watched the world fall to waste

No heaven to give them sanctuary
No angel could save her foes
Kept under pressure all her life
Finally, the hate can’t help but explode
The crumbling ruins
Of her decimated days
In the shadow of the monster
Drained of all her rage

A starless night begins to fall
The sick smell of smoke still thick in the air
The aftermath of all she’s done
Post-trauma; silence in the dark
The beast walks away
Her bloodlust sedated
And leaves the lady
Cold and empty
And utterly alone.

The Real Artist (An Ode To Jessi)

Live Full
&
Draw A Picture
For Me
Ink Was Your Song
Your Masterpiece
Come
Make Him Blue
Paint Us Free
We Were Younger
Then
Imagining Our Angels
Demanding Meaning
At Best

Something Lovely, Something Real

Pale magnolias sway delicately, kissed with sunset, outside my window as I write this. The sky stretches into forever, the wind sings sweet nothings, and life goes on. There were so many days before, though, that passed me by unnoticed. I saw no flowers, no sunsets, heard nothing in the wind. The bare arms of trees stretching to salute the sky meant nothing to me at all. But that has changed.

I spent a vast majority of my childhood lost in a book, with no one to talk to and nothing to do. The world was ugly and cold. Everything seemed shades of gray- even me. I searched for answers in things others had said before me- Poe, Plath, Morrison, Cobain. But I found no solace in their words, or in anything else. All was hollow. All was hopeless. That was how it seemed, anyway.

When I started high school, things started to look up. I had friends, I had talents. Words regained meaning, and color seeped steadily into my vision; I found periwinkle and amber in the eyes of my best friends, and chocolate brown in those of my first true love. My baby sister had gold hair and blushing cheeks, suddenly. There were beautiful things in this world after all.
But the day that finally changed everything, it was a perfect June afternoon. My love and I were wandering beside the creek, his calloused, pale hand gently holding my small, pink one. I remember his low voice as he told me I was beautiful, and that he would love me always.
That afternoon, he stopped me deep in the woods, pulled me into his arms, and kissed me more deeply than I had ever been kissed before. It was one of those fairytale kisses that last lifetimes and are powerful enough to give birth to galaxies.

When I opened my eyes, I was startled by the emerald of the leaves, the violet of flowers, and the flash of gold in his deep eyes. Birds whistled and cooed playfully, the water murmured and gurgled like an infant. Everything was a technicolor symphony. Everything was right and beautiful. I could have spent the rest of forever in his arms and been perfectly content. It was the first moment I truly believed in love.

The clouds are fading to violet now, as the sun evanesces and disappears behind them. As I relive these lovely memories I know, even though the man who was a part of them has gone and we’ve taken separate paths, the love that was there still lives. It is not created or destroyed- it simply is. We stepped into one another’s lives and played our parts there for a while. We shared something real. Another woman might be too afraid of being hurt again to give her heart to someone new; she might become cynical, or cold. But, as hard as it is sometimes, I still believe in love, more than anything else. And I live to love, another day.

As My World Begins To Fall

sometimes
a quiet world
comes crashing down
all around me
and all i can do
is wait
for it all to pass
sometimes
the stars fall down
in a blaze
of burning glory
it's so damn pretty
so fucking deadly
and all i can do
is hold my breath
as the waves come
crashing over my head
and taking me down
always pulling me down
all i can do
is reach out
but no one's there
is there a hand
left to hold?
is there any reason
for me to go on?
is there any purpose?
and point at all?
as my world begins to fall