Monday, December 22, 2008

D I S E A S E D

she is the disease
she bleeds in dreams
catatonic
close your eyes, girl
they say she's sick
yeah, they say she's fading fast
she says- 'the virus eats away
consumes me-
it's all that i have left'

the pills won't kill it now
no cure for what i have become
nothing will save me now
i am diseased

don't say i'm okay
and please don't pray
infected
now this plague defines me
they say i'm sick
yeah, they say i'm fading fast
but it's all i know
for certain
it's all that i have left

the pills won't kill it now
no cure for what i have become
nothing will save me now
i am diseased

don't hold my hand
too weak to stand
a leper
yes, that's all i am
they say i'm sick
but they can't see inside
it's in my head
it's all that i have left

the pills won't kill it now
no cure for what i have become
nothing will save me now
i am diseased

just like a cancer grows
and my heart slows
a virus devours
these countless hours
i am the disease
i am the disease
i am the disease

what they could have treated
it became me
i cling tighter to
all i thought i knew
i am the disease
i am the disease
i am the disease

the pills won't kill it now
no cure for what i have become
nothing will save me now
i am diseased

Friday, December 19, 2008

I Know How This One Ends...

do you ever feel like something is going on, and you're the only one who's missing it?
like something is horribly wrong and no one wants to be the one to break the news to you?
can you ever taste the coming hurt in the air?
are you ever afraid of saying a word, afraid it will just make things worse?
do you ever feel it so deep that you just want to scream so everyone knows?
does it ever seem like you can't run away from what's happening, whether or not you can put a name to it?
can you ever see it as clearly as you see yourself in the mirror, but both still seem so foreign?
you know it, you know it should all be familiar, but it's not...
are you ever so sure of an ending that you don't want to finish the book, let alone the day?
i know how this one ends... it's sad...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Lose Yourself: Diaries Of A Multiple

I live in a reality that is all my own- fragmented, hazy, half forgotten. Puzzle pieces of a life that don't quite fit; faces with no names, or names without faces. Half the world seems like a semi-conscious nightmare mirage, images and lies born out of desperation for some escape. And then there are moments of technicolor ultra-real clarity; colors too bright for eyes to bear, darknesses absolute and unforgiving.

There are pieces of my life I sometimes think I've dreamed up, memories so distant and faded they can't possibly be real. Sometimes, I'm the only one who knows about them. Sometimes, people insist things happened that have somehow escaped my memory forever. I live every day in perpetual wonder- is this real? Am I dreaming? Is this a memory? Have I lost myself again? The questions are all I have for certain. I don't even have myself. Who am I today? What's my name? Where am I from? Do the words of others hurt me today, or could I care less? What am I afraid of? Will I recognize my own friends and family? Will I make it through the day? Will I even want to?

I woke up today and knew how to play chess. I was good... I don't remember ever playing chess before. And then at dinner, I was afraid to speak- surrounded by friends I've known for years, and I was struck silent by a sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach. Instead, I picked up a crayon and drew out a scene from my favorite poem- I haven't drawn like that since I was a child. Sometimes I love tea; other times, it makes me ill. Sometimes I drink whiskey; other times, I can't handle it. Some days, I'll work at the ice cream counter with a grin on my face; others, I'll hide in a corner and scrub the floor till it shines, petrified that someone will ask me where the restroom is.

I have not been myself lately; not the girl I'd become familiar and content with, the girl who remembered, who didn't wake up wondering how she got to wherever it was she'd ended up, who actually had control of everything she said and did. She didn't drink to kill the pain, she didn't starve herself to feel beautiful, she didn't fuck anything with a pulse, she didn't cut just to see herself bleed... The girl I was wanted to live. She had plans for the future. She left her room without a pang of fear, worked hard for what she wanted, and enjoyed the world around her... She never faded away and became someone else to escape.

I woke up singing "This Old Man" in a nursing home tonight. It felt like a nightmare... Hazy fractions of the day came back to me, hitting me hard. Where had I been? What had I done? I collapsed into a chair, trying to catch my breath. A new day. A new start... I vowed to remember the rest of the night. I will not lose myself again.

INSOMNIA

in-som-ni-a: (noun) inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp. when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness.

this is me the last few weeks.
dunno why.
dunno what to do about it.
someone sing me a lullaby, please?

Monday, September 1, 2008

Words Cut Deeper

"please please don't confuse your dreams with reality. The person that you know, that is all of those things...is you...but, you did forget one thing. Slutty and trashy...and don't forget deep and broken...oh, just so you know. I'm not talking about your mind. I'm talking about your cunt..."


this is probably the nastiest, cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me. i don't know what she's talking about. i don't know what brought this on. i don't know what i possibly could have done.

i feel sick. i feel betrayed. i feel so afraid that she might be right.

words cut deeper than a razorblade ever could.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Summer Vacation

i don't need to escape from the whole world
i don't need to run away and hide
i don't need a safe-haven where no one can touch me
in fact, that's my worst fear-
being alone
the one thing i need to get away from
i never can
because the one person that hurts me worse than any other
is me
you can put me in a padded room
you can feed me pills
you can send me to therapy
but you can't undo who i am
i don't need this summer vacation
i just need a new me

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Fashion Slave- by Lazyi Photography




i am not perfect
i will not pretend to be
you'll never see me with the skinny bitches in vogue
i'll never walk a runway
or pose with kate moss
I DON'T WANT TO
i don't want to be perfect
i don't want to fit your conception of beauty
i don't want to be a fucking stick figure
i don't want to starve myself for my art
THAT'S NOT ME
i will fight
i will scream
i will play and flirt and go absolutely insane
i'll expose a little piece of myself in each image
and i don't really care if you judge me for it
this is who i am
this is what i do
if you don't like it
close your fucking eyes
i will never be america's next top model
but i sure as hell will be me
AND THAT'S ALL I NEED

I Can't Feel You Anymore...

i always knew you were with me.
holding my hand, holding me close.
you were my strength and my comfort.
kissing the tears away
i knew i would be okay.
i could feel your skin on mine
i could feel your heart beating
i could feel you breathing
but i can't feel you anymore...
you aren't who i thought you were
the man i loved doesn't even exist.
everything i thought i knew,
thought i could believe in,
was a lie...
where is my strength, my comfort now?
i can't feel you anymore...

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Never Look Back

run away
don't look back
follow the tracks
into forever
follow the moon
to the other side
don't look back
never look back
keep running
until you've forgotten
what your name is
where you came from
keep running
until your legs burn
and finally
collapse beneath you
keep running
until you can't breathe
it just hurts too much
but don't look back
never look back
follow the stars
into the distance
follow the wind
into the night
forget everything
you left behind
don't look back
never look back
just start over
lead a new life
be someone else
be someone better
just keep running
until the hurt
disappears
keep your eyes forward
when the sun is rising
don't let the memories
flood in
just keep running
until the road stops
just don't look back
never look back.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

F O R G O T T E N

i am the nameless wonder.
lovers forget me- you get what you want, and that's enough.
friends forget me- i mean so little when you mean so much.
family forgets me- i am the lost cause, and you don't care anymore.
i am the nameless wonder.


who gives a shit where i go? what i do? what i say? how i look? who i fuck? who i love?
NO ONE.
who would notice if i ran away? disappeared? died?
NO ONE.
and that's exactly who i am.
NO ONE.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Endlessly

"i will wait for you"
she said
endlessly
"i will wait for you"
so spoke
misery

-AFI

i await a decision that may change the rest of my life.
for better or worse, i don't know.
but i'm willing to take the risk.
will you choose me, who loves and serves you?
or will you choose the woman who treats you like her servant, not a lover?
i will wait for you.
i will wait for you to choose with baited breath.
i will wait.
though the pain and suspense are almost too much for me to take,
it's worth it.
for you, anything.
and should you choose to walk away from me forever?
please know that there will always be a place for you in my heart.
if that's the way it is to be,
i hope you look back on our time together fondly.
i know i always will.
forgive me for putting this question to the public,
but i really must know...
is this goodbye?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Can I Be You?

"can i be you? can i be you? oh, i could be you. but could you be me?"

i could be you. i could be the one doing something "honorable". i could be the one trying to "protect" my friend. i could be the one saying she's not ready, i have to keep her safe. i could be the one taking the smoother path. i could be the one making the choices. i could be the one in control. i could be the one with two lovers to choose from. i could be the one avoiding the subject. i could be the one making the promises that don't mean anything.

but could you be me? it's not so easy when you're the one being lied about, when you're the dirty little secret. it's not so much fun to know someone's hiding the fact that they're with you, that they can't even admit that they care about you. it's not easy to be treated like a play thing, around when someone wants you, then cast aside like nothing. it's not okay when you're the one being lied to and hurt.

can i be you?



(quotes from Liz Fohl's 'Can I Be You?')

LIES

Forced conversation
Hidden agenda
You think we're stupid, how dare you
The rug has not been pulled
Over our eyes you fool
We can see right through

Tip-toeing villian
Eyes in the ceiling
Your false intentions have warn thin
But we've been in your room and in your closet too
We've got one on you

Lies make it better
Lies are forever
Lies to go home to
Lies you wake up to
Lies from the alter
Lies make you falter
Lies keep your mouth fed
Lies till your death bed
Lies

Inside an office, a fallen angel
A smiling Buddha with snake eyes
Creates the latest trends
And i just cant pretend
Dont call me your friend

When all these
Lies make it better
Lies are forever
Lies to go home to
Lies you wake up to
Lies from the alter
Lies make you falter
Lies keep your mouth fed
Lies till your death bed

Lies they make it better
Lies they are forever
Lies to go home to
Lies you wake up to
Lies from the alter
Lies make you falter
Lies keep your mouth fed
Lies till your death bed
LIES!

Lies will come back to hunt you
Bulletproof your limosine
Lies will come back to haunt you
Hit and run, a broken dream

Lies make it better
Lies are forever
Lies to go home to
Lies to wake up to
Lies from the altar
Lies make you falter
Lies keep your mouth fed
Lies till your death bed

Lies they make it better
Lies they are forever
Lies to go home to
Lies you wake up to
Lies from the alter
Lies make you falter
Lies keep your mouth fed
Lies till your death bed

Lies



-BILLY TALENT

Sumbudi'z Nobudi

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!


that's how i feel. that's how i let it out. that's how the hurt relieves the pressure- with a scream. i feel it tearing me apart, starting in my stomach, burning up my chest and throat, until it rips my mouth open and releases itself. a scream like something primal, like dying, slowly, from the inside out. that's what it's like. another stab in the back. another set of lies and lies and more and more lies. another heartbreak i let happen. another moment i realize how stupid i am for trusting people, especially the men who say they love me. they never mean it. they never do. and yet every time i hear it, i hope it's true, i pray it's true, i let myself believe it's true..

god i'm stupid. i'm such a fucking idiot. love isn't real. it's a game. it's make-believe. just like me. there's no one person who's going to stay with you forever and ever and love you no matter what... there are no soulmates, there are no happily ever afters. christ.

i step out of one bullshit relationship- over years before we let it go- and step into one where i'm nothing but a dirty little secret... that's all i am. a whore. something you have to hide. i'm dirty. i'm scary. i'm the girl who blows you in the alley, but never the one you'd take home to meet your parents... i am a secret and a lie and a toy. that's it. that's all. that's all i'll ever be.

i finally believe someone might love me for who i am, for everything. no. he won't even tells his friends he's got a girl... "nothing from nowhere, i'm no one at all..." i just keep screaming to let the hurt come rushing out... no one even hears me cry.

Once Burnt, Twice Shy

if only i were that smart.
one abusive relationship,
and i move into an insane one.
that falls apart,
and i move into an unhealthy one.
that ends,
and i move into one
based entirely on lies.
what's wrong with me?
you'd think i'd learn...



once burnt
twice shy
i should've seen it
shouldn't i?
i should've seen it coming
but i was too busy looking back
but when i give my heart away
it always ends up like that
once stabbed
in the back
twice afraid
to let you have me
i put my trust
in all the lies
four times burnt,
and never shy

Saturday, June 14, 2008

As You Wish

"whichever you choose is my vow to you, to always protect you and keep you safe, to love you and guide you in our life together."

"and my vow to you is to serve you and stand by you, to love you and care for you always."


these were the words exchanged last night. these were the promises made. there is someone committed to me, pledged to protect me and love me and guide me. and i am his, his to command, his to love, his to do as he wills. though the collar is not yet around my neck, i feel it. his presence, his wishes, they are already there. and i am here to serve him. it gives me energy and direction. it gives me willpower and a cause. i care for myself now, because that will please him. i'm preparing for school, because if i do well, he will be proud of me. i work harder than ever on my modeling, because he wishes for me to succeed. somehow, i feel better now than i ever have. i desire his approval, but even more than that, i desire his smile. he could command me to walk to the ends of the earth, and i would sprint, just to be back at his side sooner. where he leads me, i will go. what he asks of me, i will do gladly. it is as he wishes, and that pleases me, for i am his.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Through Our Bleeding We Are One...

is it the pain that makes it so satisfying?
is it the act of making yourself feel on the outside the way you feel on the inside?
is it the sight of blood?
is it the reminder that you are real, you are alive?
is it the power that we crave?
is it the control?
is it knowing we could always cut deeper, always bleed more, and choosing not to?
is it the sting of the blade on our skin?

I Can't.

i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't handle it. not today. not now. i can't face it. i can't forget it. i can't escape. i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't run away. i can't distract myself. i can't stay strong. i can't let go. i can't. i can't. i can't lean on my friends any more than i already am. i can't depend on the ones i thought loved me. i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't forget the sound of his voice. i can't forget the way things were. i can't forget the touch i knew so well, and how different the others were. i can't. i can't. i can't put away the fear of tomorrow. i can't hide the panic in my eyes. i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't lie anymore. i can't pretend i'm okay. i can't. i can't. i can't wear this fake fucking smile anymore. i can't. i can't. i can't hold it together. i can't. i can't. i can't. i can't live like this. i can't.

House Of Nightmares Group Shoot- e a k








Lazyi Photography- GHOST STORIES



Rx

40 mg prozac, twice daily.
20 mg trazadone, once at bedtime.
weekly appointments with psychologist.
bi-weekly appointments with psychiatrist.
one week of hospitalization.
scars that never fade.

BOUND


i am bound to a fate that is not my own. i am bound by lies i never told. i am bound heart-to-heart with a man who will never love me. i am bound to a destiny i never chose. i am bound by my mind, which was never sane. i am bound by my body, used, abused, and broken. i am bound to a past i cannot escape. i am bound by my need, and by my desire. i am bound to a family i will never be part of. i am bound to opinions i will not hold. i am bound to a god that is not my own. i am bound to a pain that never fades. i am bound to a darkness that will never pass. i am bound to secrets i can never speak. i am bound to the end.



photo courtesy of the lovely and talented Angela K. Rough

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Why Not?

question of the week-
why not?
why not try a bondage photo shoot?
why not sleep with the people i've always lusted after?
why not risk falling in love again?

this weekend has been amazing
it's exactly what i needed
not only am i inspired to model again
but i have some vague faith in humanity restored
there are people that care
there are people that don't think i'm a crazy lying bitch
there are people that think of me as more than just a whore
i am worth something
and i don't need him around to tell me that
i am a good person
and i don't need a man to reinforce that
i can be loved again someday
and he's not the only one out there for me

i'm young and i'm crazy and i'm going to have fun
i'm going to flirt and fuck and fight like an irish woman should
i'm going to get drunk
i'm going to kiss girls
i'm going to try things i never imagined
and i'm going to party like a rockstar
i'm gonna give in once in a while and deal with things the only way i know how
i'm going to say what i mean
and not be afraid of what someone will think
i'm going to do what i want
and not let anyone tell me otherwise
i'm a single, attractive young woman
why not have fun with it?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Quotes To Suit My Fucked-Up Mood

"Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off- but it's better if you do." -CLOSER

"Love is a promise delivered already broken." -Steve Martin

"No one is a virgin when life has screwed us all." -HagislilSaya on deviantART

"I can help you see the light out of your despair. You tie the rope, and I'll kick the chair." -Flatline Design on ModelMayhem

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Love Ends

"i don't love you anymore- good-bye"

is it really that simple?
does it just go away
like a light
when you flip a switch?
does it fade
slowly?
or is it a sudden-
BANG!
?
is it over
like it was never there at all?
or does it linger?
does it ever really go away?

Second Life

let's escape
to a place
where no one can
hurt us
no one can
touch us
and life is truly
what we make it
let's set ourselves
free
and forget
inhibitions
let's dance till dawn
and not worry anymore
let's run away
to a place
where the sky
is no limit
where music
can carry us
away
from the pain
and into
the dawn
let's watch
the ocean
roll
in and out
like lovers
making the stars
dance
on the surface
let's go somewhere
we can forget
the ties
that hold us
back
and the words
that cut us
deeper
than knives
ever could
let's start a world
of make-believe
where you can
be mine
and i can
be yours
and we'll just
pretend
that it doesn't
hurt
anymore

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

10 Real Secrets

1) i fall in love with men i know i can never have
2) i wish i were vegan, partially because i love animals, but mostly because i want to be skinnier.
3) i still think about killing myself. a lot.
4) a little girl named athena saved my life friday night.
5) i would be a really awesome phone-sex operator.
6) i put up pictures of my friends on the walls to remind me what i'm living for.
7) i confide in this blog more than i do in anyone i know.
8) i just got a booty-call from two of my best guy friends. i don't think i like it.
9) i spend way too much time texting, and not nearly enough time actually connecting with people.
10) lately, i've been smoking almost two packs a day. i just keep telling people it's one.

Head-Case

wow... i don't even know where to begin...

what could possibly make you think it's a good idea to publicly call a girl with actual mental health problems a "head-case" ???

have you seriously got no heart, no compassion at all?

this is ridiculous...

it's people like this who make me want to quit this business.

i'm taking a hiatus from modeling for a while. the drama has gotten to be too much for me to handle. i'll be back once things have calmed down...

sincerely yours-
the head case

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Poison

there's nothing like poison
to make you forget
the fear in your heart
and the blood on your hands
no, there's nothing like fading
to take it away
swallow the cure
and pray

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Let's Start Over


my life needs to change.
it needs to be an adventure.
it needs to be a rave.
i need color and glitter and really loud music.
i need sex.
i want to wear tutus and thigh-highs and combat boots and corsets.
i want to put kelly-green streaks in my hair.
i want to take risks and be crazy.
i want to feel high on life, like i'm falling in love every day.
i want to party.
i want to be a fucking celebrity.
i want to play.
i want to live art.
i need to start over.
i need to be someone new.
i need to stop being afraid.
i need to get up in the morning and LIVE.
so let's do it.
let's be what we always wanted to be.
let's have an adventure.
let's be heroes.
let's start over.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Jose G- May Collingwood




Jose is all kinds of awesome. He's cuddly and fun, he makes me giggle, he throws me over his shoulder and carries me to free pizza like i'm a sack of potatoes, he brings me chocolate, he's trading nekkid pictures for tattoos, and he makes the best cheesecake EVER!!! i <3s him muchly.

Blood Roses


Blood roses
Blood roses
Back on the street now
Blood roses
Blood roses
Back on the street now
Can't forget the things you never said
On days like these starts me thinking
When chickens get a taste of your meat girl
Chickens get a taste of your meat yes

You gave him you blood
And your warm little diamond
He likes killing you after you're dead
You think I'm a queer
I think you're a queer
Said I think you're a queer
I think you're a queer
I shaved every place where you been boy
I said I shaved every place where you been yes

God knows I know
I've thrown away those graces
God knows I've thrown away
Those graces
God knows I know
I've thrown away those graces

The Belle of New Orleans tried to show me
Once how to tango
Wrapped around you feet
Wrapped around like good little roses

Blood Roses
Blood Roses
Back on the street now
Blood Roses
Blood Roses
Back on the street now
Now, Now
Now you've cut out the flute
From the throat of the loon
At least when you cry now
He can't even hear you
When chickens get a taste of your meat girl
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
Come on
When he sucks you deep
Sometimes you're nothing but meat



-Tori Amos
photo by Nihilus

Sunday, May 11, 2008

The Mother I'm Not

no one understands the bittersweetness of Mothers Day better than a woman who can never be one. no one can even imagine how sad it really is, but the women who have lost their children. no one hates it more than the women who regret the decisions they made, and wish on every star that they could take it back...

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Visions Of Excess- March Collingwood- Stairwell Set








Stillborn Photography- BoMA

waiting with a smile

i'm a creep


there's something in the silence
i dream of an escape


can't you see them?